Qhorin Halfhand

Man United , Real Madrid

[Qhorin Halfhand @TapiBobo]

@TheTweetOfGod Looks like SMITTING ain't your game anymore..you used to be good at it dude.frankly I'm disappointed.

[🍀Louie Kerr 🇮🇪💚 @LouieKerr8]

🦜🤬..🐔😂

[My name is M. Only M @musicandsoularg]

UN PROFESOR DE QUÍMICA PUSO UNA PREGUNTA EXTRA EN UN EXAMEN:

¿El infierno es exotérmico (libera calor) o endotérmico (absorbe calor)?

La mayoría de los estudiantes escribieron pruebas de sus creencias usando la Ley de Boyle (el gas se enfría cuando se expande y se calienta cuando se comprime) o alguna variante.

Un estudiante, sin embargo, escribió lo siguiente:

Primero, necesitamos saber cómo cambia la masa del infierno con el tiempo. Así que necesitamos saber la velocidad a la que las almas se mueven al infierno y la velocidad a la que se van. Creo que podemos asumir con seguridad que una vez que un alma llega al infierno, no se va. Por lo tanto, no hay almas que se vayan.

En cuanto a cuántas almas entran al infierno, veamos las diferentes religiones que existen en el mundo hoy en día. La mayoría de estas religiones afirman que si no eres miembro de su religión, irás al infierno. Dado que hay más de una de estas religiones y dado que las personas no pertenecen a más de una religión, podemos proyectar que todas las almas van al infierno.

Con las tasas de natalidad y mortalidad como están, podemos esperar que el número de almas en el infierno aumente exponencialmente. Ahora, miramos la tasa de cambio del volumen en el infierno porque la Ley de Boyle establece que para que la temperatura y la presión en el infierno se mantengan iguales, el volumen del infierno tiene que expandirse proporcionalmente a medida que se agregan almas.

Esto da dos posibilidades:

https://t.co/QJTfo1VziD el infierno se expande a un ritmo más lento que la velocidad a la que las almas entran al infierno, entonces la temperatura y la presión en el infierno aumentarán hasta que todo el infierno se desate.

https://t.co/3XkIKmKKcC el infierno se expande a un ritmo más rápido que el aumento de almas en el infierno, entonces la temperatura y la presión caerán hasta que el infierno se congele.

Entonces, ¿cuál es?

Si aceptamos el postulado que me dio Teresa durante mi primer año, que "hará frío en el infierno antes de que salga contigo", y tomamos en cuenta el hecho de que salí con ella anoche, entonces la número 2 debe ser cierta, y por lo tanto estoy seguro de que el infierno es exotérmico y ya se ha congelado.

El corolario de esta teoría es que, dado que el infierno se ha congelado, se deduce que no está aceptando más almas y, por lo tanto, está extinto... dejando solo el cielo, lo que demuestra la existencia de un ser divino, lo que explica por qué anoche Teresa seguía gritando "¡Oh, Dios mío!".

ESTE ESTUDIANTE RECIBIÓ LA ÚNICA "A".

[lordmicky.base.eth 🇵🇹 @0xlordmicky]

An English couple were driving around the USA for their honeymoon. One day they see a large roadside sign “Chief Redcloud the Memory Man. He will answer any question for $10 and if he gives a wrong answer, you win $10,000”

The young husband says “I’ll have a go at that” and follows the signs to the car park. His wife is less keen saying “ It’ll be a con, you’ll lose our $10, you’ll look stupid …………….” “No” replies the husband “I will ask about football in the UK, This is the USA so he won’t have a clue about football”.

He pays his $10 and goes into Chief Redcloud’s teepee and asks “In the UK who won the FA Cup in 1906?” Without hesitation Chief Redcloud answers “1906: Everton beat Newcastle United 1-0.”

The husband is gutted - it’s the right answer!

For years afterwards, if anyone mentions the USA, the husband tells his tale about Chief Redcloud.

15 years later, he is back in the USA on business and happens to tell the story to his US collegue. The American says how it is all a con and how there are similar sights all over the states. However, when he looks at their itinerary, he realises they will be in the area where Chief Redcloud used to operate. He says “We’ll take a little detour to see if he is still in business. If he is, I’ll show you how to win the $10,000”.

Sure enough, two days later, they find the very spot and the sign is still there. “Right” says the American “Follow me but say and do nothing when we are in there.” So they pay the $10 entry fee then go in to Chief Redcloud’s teepee. The American walks straight up to Chief Redcloud and says “How!” Chief Redcloud says “It was a header in the last minute of injury time.”

[Laughing Legends @LaughingLegend0]

I didn't want to laugh at all, but it was just too hard... lol

[LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More @MediocreJoker85]

A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.

To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photograph of a suspect for five seconds before hiding it.

“This is your suspect,” he says. “How would you recognize him?”

The first recruit answers, “Easy. We’d catch him right away because he only has one eye.”

The officer sighs. “That’s because I showed you his side profile.”

Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds.

“This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”

The second recruit smiles confidently. “Even easier. He only has one ear.”

Now the officer is furious. “What’s wrong with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear. It’s a side-profile photo! Can’t either of you come up with a better answer?”

Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”

Then he adds, “And think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.”

The third recruit studies the photo for a moment. “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The officer blinks in surprise. He doesn’t actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.

“That’s… an interesting observation. Wait here while I check his file.”

A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile.

“Incredible! You’re right. The suspect really does wear contact lenses. How on earth did you figure that out?”

“Simple,” the third recruit replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

[Nyatsimba Mutotesi @timiretimzzy2]

I’m asking on behalf of growers, is there a way for a dick to remain hard after death?
I don’t want those who wash my body to think I had a small dick when I’m no longer there to defend myself

[Iamemperor @Iamemperor00]

Detective: “Why did you mail yourself to another state?”

Man: “It was cheaper.”

Detective: “Cheaper than what?”

Man: “A plane ticket.”

Detective: “You shipped yourself in a box.”

Man: “A reinforced box.”

Detective: “That’s not helping.”

Man: “It had air holes.”

Detective: “How are you still alive?”

Man: “Preparation.”

Detective: “Why are we talking about preparation?”

Man: “Snacks.”

Detective: “You packed snacks.”

Man: “Several.”

Detective: “Sir, you were discovered in a distribution center.”

Man: “Earlier than expected.”

Detective: “You expected to arrive unnoticed?”

Man: “Ideally.”

Detective: “Why didn’t you just buy a bus ticket?”

Man: “Because of the goat.”

Detective: “The goat.”

Man: “The goat.”

Detective: “I’m going to regret this.”

Man: “Probably.”

Detective: “What does the goat have to do with anything?”

Man: “The goat ate my wallet.”

Detective: “Goats don’t eat wallets.”

Man: “Mine did.”

Detective: “You have proof?”

Man: “The security cameras.”

Detective: “You watched your goat eat your wallet.”

Man: “In high definition.”

Detective: “So you had no money.”

Man: “Exactly.”

Detective: “Still doesn’t explain the box.”

Man: “Shipping was prepaid.”

Detective: “By whom?”

Man: “The company.”

Detective: “The company paid to ship you?”

Man: “Not intentionally.”

Detective: “Explain.”

Man: “They sent me an empty return box.”

Detective: “For merchandise.”

Man: “I became the merchandise.”

Detective: “…”

Warehouse Manager: “He’s telling the truth.”

Detective: “Please don’t.”

Warehouse Manager: “The tracking label actually said ‘Return to Sender.’”

Detective: “Wonderful.”

Warehouse Manager: “There’s one more problem.”

Detective: “There always is.”

Warehouse Manager: “The box arrived.”

Detective: “Obviously.”

Warehouse Manager: “Before he did.”

Detective: “What?”

Warehouse Manager: “The tracking system marked it delivered yesterday.”

Detective: “Then who signed for it?”

Warehouse Manager: “That’s the strange part.”

Detective: “Go on.”

Warehouse Manager: “The signature says…”

Detective: “‘The Goat.’”

Man: “I knew he was behind this.”

Detective: “I’m not investigating a goat.”

Man: “You should.”

Detective: “Why?”

Man: “He still has my driver’s license.”

[Iamemperor @Iamemperor00]

Airport Security: “Sir, why are you carrying a suitcase full of rocks?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Because they’re valuable.”

Airport Security: “They’re rocks.”

Mr. Yusuf: “Exactly.”

Airport Security: “That doesn’t explain anything.”

The suitcase weighed nearly 30 kilograms.

Every scanner operator who saw it thought the machine was malfunctioning.

It wasn’t.

The entire bag was packed with ordinary-looking stones.

Security Officer: “Where did you get them?”

Mr. Yusuf: “A beach.”

Security Officer: “You flew across the country to collect rocks from a beach?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Not intentionally.”

The officer sighed.

Security Officer: “Start from the beginning.”

[Iamemperor @Iamemperor00]

By the end of the trip he had filled an entire backpack.

Back home, visitors kept asking about the collection.

And every time they did, Mr. Yusuf invented a more impressive story.

Friend: “Where’d you get this one?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Near an ancient shipwreck.”

Actually it was beside a snack stand.

Friend: “And this one?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Recovered from dangerous cliffs.”

Actually it was near a parking lot.

The stories got bigger.

The rocks got more important.

The collection gained a reputation.

Then came disaster.

A local newspaper accidentally featured him in an article about unusual hobbies.

The headline read:

LOCAL MAN BUILDS RARE STONE COLLECTION

The word rare changed everything.

People started contacting him.

Collectors.

Tourists.

Geology enthusiasts.

One man offered ₦200,000 for a rock Mr. Yusuf had picked up beside a public restroom.

Security Officer: “Did you sell it?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Of course.”

Security Officer: “Wow.”

Soon people were buying stones faster than he could find them.

There was just one problem.

The rocks weren’t rare.

At all.

Security Officer: “So what did you do?”

Mr. Yusuf: “I went back to the beach.”

Again.

And again.

And again.

Every few weeks he flew back and gathered more stones.

Eventually his customers wanted new inventory.

Bigger inventory.

Exclusive inventory.

Which is why he now stood at airport security with an entire suitcase of rocks.

The officer opened the bag.

Hundreds of stones stared back.

Security Officer: “Do your customers know these are ordinary rocks?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Absolutely.”

Security Officer: “They do?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Mostly.”

The officer narrowed his eyes.

Security Officer: “Mostly?”

Mr. Yusuf pulled out his phone.

He opened the website where he sold them.

The listings read:

Rock #183 Found During A Long Walk While Thinking About Life

Rock #267 Collected On A Rainy Tuesday

Rock #411 Looks Slightly Like A Potato

The officer blinked.

Security Officer: “People buy these?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Constantly.”

One rock had sold for enough money to cover an entire round-trip flight.

Another had been purchased as a wedding gift.

A third had somehow ended up in a corporate office.

Security Officer: “Why?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Nobody knows.”

The officer sat in silence for a moment.

Then picked up a small gray stone.

Security Officer: “What about this one?”

Mr. Yusuf: “Excellent choice.”

Security Officer: “Why?”

Mr. Yusuf: “It resembles a disappointed turtle.”

The officer looked at it.

Then looked again.

It did.

A little.

Security Officer: “How much?”

Mr. Yusuf: “₦15,000.”

Security Officer: “That’s ridiculous.”

Five minutes later he bought it.

As Mr. Yusuf headed toward his gate, the officer called after him.

Security Officer: “Wait.”

Mr. Yusuf: “Yes?”

Security Officer: “If I find another disappointed turtle rock…”

Mr. Yusuf: “You get 10% commission.”

The airport later updated its training materials.

Under suspicious luggage examples, employees now see a photo of a suitcase filled with rocks.

The caption reads:

“Probably harmless. Somehow profitable.”

[Qhorin Halfhand @TapiBobo]

@Eyaaaad Standing Babas

[watergun @tersseer]

all these mountains to climb will i everest?

[MrBlack™ @KE_MrBlack]

The Office of the Girlfriend 😂

[𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 @AbakpaJob]

can't stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

[:La belle: @tosyn__]

They’re very stupid.

[Daquan Wiltshire DSG 🤘🏾🐝 @DAQUANDSG]

I’m not gonna lie. It’s so much easier to leave your home than it is to get y’all to leave ours 😭