Ted Barton

This is hard because I want to be myself, but I also want you to like me. instagram @tedbartoncomedy for stand up clips

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

I hate any movie where an animal is the bad guy. Jaws is a shark. He’s hungry, not "up to something"

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

I feel like Mitchell Robinson’s broken pinky finger will improve his FT%

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

If bugs are attracted to light then fireflies must feel like rockstars

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Call it white sauce. Call it shrimp sauce. But don’t you dare call it "yum yum" sauce. What, did you think this was a joke?

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

I call it a journal not a diary because I don’t want to seem sensitive while I’m being sensitive

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

While walking, two ravens landed on a tree branch above me, intuition told me to pivot and moments later they both pooped. I’m the That’s so Raven of ravens

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Modern girls wear leather jackets and dark glasses like Neo in the Matrix just to act like they’re still plugged in

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Green is objectively the best color it’s literally the spokesperson for all garnishes

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

People binge content all day, no output, then wonder why they’re anxious. You don’t need pills, you need a diary. Your mind’s clogged. You’re mentally constipated.

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Technology isn’t always an improvement. I can use my AirPods instead of holding a phone… but then no one knows I have a friend

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Runners waiting at the crosswalk look like they have ants in their pants

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

After my shower I put a towel over my head and pretended I was E.T. It’s going to be a good day.

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

I don’t care what anyone says, no one actually believes in dreamcatchers, I’ve never heard of anyone like.. checking the filter

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Noah’s Ark is insane. Catching two of every animal? It took me three hours just to get one cat to the vet.

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Girls on dating apps will post two pictures of them in the sun with one prompt that she believes in the olive theory then accuse you of only liking her for her looks

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Dunkin’ figured it out: make donuts mediocre enough to qualify as breakfast. Krispy Kreme made them too good and got bumped to dessert.

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Sunglasses are so underrated, it’s like living life on incognito mode

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Idk how God judges souls but if you knock on a bathroom door that says "occupied" it should be taken into consideration

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

Every time I see a redhead I start craving Wendy’s, honestly genius marketing

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

I hate a slow salt shaker, like come on lil fella I got bills to pay

[Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy]

I complained they put peppermint in my mocha. Turns out… I’d just brushed my teeth