Teresa Lynn Lamey

Don't ask me for advice, I still think punching people in the face is the right answer.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

I'm not sure what my spirit animal is... but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Paper towel commercials are so fake. It's always a kid spilling juice, never a cat throwing up.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

So, a burglar broke into the house. I put the red dot on his chest...and the cat did the rest 😀

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Reminder to my Christians out there:
David didn't pray for Goliath, he hit him upside the head with a rock.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

All plants are edible.
Some only once.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

I feel like water solves most problems. Wanna lose weight? Drink water. Want your skin clear? Drink water. Tired of your man? Drown him.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Them: I'm trying to think.
Me: It's ok, take your time. Doing anything for the first time is hard.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

A person who doesn't like to be around people is called an introvert.
A person who likes to be around people is called an extrovert.
I like to be around cats, does that make me a purrvert?

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Therapist: I want you to write letters to everyone who hurt you, then throw them in the fire and watch them burn.
Me: Ok. Then what do I do with the letters?

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

I've been told I can catch more flies with honey... but I also know I can catch plenty of flies with a dead carcass... so this can go either way.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Help, I accidentally used dark humour with normal people and now they're concerned about my mental health.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Me: *carefully tracing the victim's body with chalk*
Detective: We don't usually outline the balls.
Me: Oh. I'm not a cop. LoL

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

I just want to spoil my man... hand him my card and let him go crazy.
It's gonna decline, but it's the thought that counts.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

My coworker said somebody stole her money, said it was $350. I went to the bathroom and counted it, it was $85. smh
Why do people lie like that?

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Weirded out by homes with no pets. Like, where is your creature?

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

I'm not into poly relationships. If you touch what's mine I'm polygonewhoopyoass.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Unfortunately, I'm not attractive enough to identify as a Hot Mess - but, I am definitely a Room Temperature Inconvenience.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Quick question:
Is it "for fxcks sake" or "for fxck sake" ?
It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

How do they know if an animal is really extinct? Did they really look everywhere? Like, everywhere everywhere???

[Teresa Lynn Lamey @TeLynLa]

Hate spelled backwards is ETAH.
For example: If you do not like me, you can E-TAH dick.