Not TfL Updates

Transport for London's most reliable service update account. Parody account.

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.@DrimeTee Hi Drime, thanks for the positive feedback and continued support. -Frank at TfL

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.@mariosmxn Hi Mariama, here at #TfL we prefer our carriages cold, to match our icy, empty hearts. Hope this helps. -Dora at TfL

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.@syksey9 Hi Stu sorry about that. Can you provide the time, place and rough description of the driver's haircut please? Thanks. -Len at TfL

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.@K9DanT28 Hi Daniel, I hope you continue to give us your money while we provide a sub-standard service. Hope this helps. -Ron at TfL

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.@SRuggee Hi Sonali, we're sorry about our drivers. They were lost in the voodoo trance after taking LSD. Hope this helps. -Rik at TfL

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.@ADellanzo1 Hi Alex, the cameras were removed as they were needed in the Big Brother house to spy on Daniella. Hope this helps. -Jim at TfL

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.@RoseyJamieson Hi Rosey, sorry about the poor service. We're mere mortals, not Dimitri Payet. Hope this helps. -David at TfL

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.@tahiyan Hi Tahiyan, why not try one of our brand new #TfLTampons? Hope this helps. -Carla at TfL

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Tip: tourists change at Bank at every conceivable opportunity and stand at the bottom of the stairs in the way. Photograph everything.

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.@Uberfailjimmy Hi Jimmy, both will be there in full attire. Sir P will probably do his party piece involving a satsuma. -Percival at TfL

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.@Uberfailjimmy Hi Jimmy, of course. Dress code: post-WW2 transvestite. No guide dogs. Bring Wotsits. Hope this helps. -Percival at TfL

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.@Lairyness Hi Megan, the signal failure you experienced was malicious and deliberate because we hate humanity. Hope this helps. -Zoe at TfL

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.@jupiter6262 Hi Sonny, I do and also sell discount bed linen on the side. Hope this helps. -Guillermo at TfL/Budget Blankets

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.@K9DanT28 hi Daniel, we at TfL believe it is our sole right to bestow meagre underlings with untold sadness. Hope this helps. -Ron at TfL

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.@liesareoutthere Hi Ranj, David Bowie & Cecil the Lion are dead and all you can complain about is trains. Hope this helps. -Janet at TfL

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.@micsway Hi Michael, our advice is to board the next plane back to carefree Oz and leave moaning to us Brits. Hope this helps. -Phil at TfL

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.@Caitlin_Goodman Hi Caitlin, we're committed to shattering dreams and keeping you stuck in a dead end job. Hope this helps. -Alec at TfL

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.@GreekStreet Hi Eleni, we're committed to bestowing eternal misery on commuters. Hope this helps. -Erica at TfL

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.@apxg_ hi Alex, today's delays are part of our #UnemploymentTuesday drive to punish the working man. Hope this helps. -Alfredo at TfL

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Minor delays on the DLR due to our driverless trains becoming sentient and rebelling against humanity. Seek alternative routes.