Jonathan Falconer

Here to tell all my puns that don't work on stage.
Comedian and pharmacologist
Spygender/prefer not to be identified.

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

I like it when I'm in a car that has a seatbelt alert that goes away after a period of time because it feels like we're in a dispute over the value of human life and the car eventually realizes it's worthless.

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

Is Congress trolling us by releasing the Epstein documents as PDF files? #EpsteinTrumpFiles #epstein

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

@elonmusk I stand with Elon

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

@cb_doge @elonmusk I stand with Elon

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

@elonmusk Yo Elon, how about less tweeting and more getting us to Mars

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

How bad are things in America right now? It's now the calling itself "The Country Formerly Known as the Greatest."

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

@Trillburne Number 2 is enough for me for to vote for him again #singleissuevoter

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

I wanna work at a sexual health clinic so I can tell people if you take this pill your infection will be gonorrhea

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

#mytumormychoice #roevswade

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

They say the best teachers can't do what they teach, so the only life coaches I trust are dead

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

What do you call it when you play phone tag with an old Australian?

Boomerang

#pun #cantstopmakingpuns #imsorry

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

Making it in comedy is subjective. To me it happened when I crashed my bicycle on a sidewalk and a guy went, "hey you're that comedian."

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

What do you call it when a nebula gets a facelift?

Cosmetic surgery

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

Ever mistype so many captcha images you worry you might be a computer?

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

Vegan cheese is cultural appropriation

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

I started a Youtube channel and the latest episode talks about how to get into flow state for whatever it is you love doing. Check it out! https://t.co/eYFq9pGFsL

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

Overconfidence is an underrated personality trait because knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss so believing you know more than you actually do makes you both powerful AND happy.

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

@Bemopolis I miss you too Bemo

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

What do you call an atom that has two free electrons and doesn't care who it shares them with?

 Ambivalent

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

Pizza hut is disappointed by the coronavirus vaccine as millions of customers will be lost as people retain their sense of taste and smell.

[Jonathan Falconer @ThatFalconer]

Hot new pageant fundraiser idea for the Trump campaign

@realDonaldTrump
@RudyGiuliani