Tom White

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

Eating pretend food with my 2 yr old: she takes a bite of a fake sandwich & when I ask her how it tastes she points to her mouth like she can’t talk because she’s still chewing and this motherfucker proceeds to keep chewing fake food for a full minute before she says, “it’s ok.”

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

@TomKondilas I’m in a grimace the whole time.

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

@TomKondilas (You’re probably right)

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

@TomKondilas Then why is his son so good at ping pong? Just happened to master the art at 6 years old? GEN. ET. ICS. Re-watch that evening match on the porch, lil Forest destroys the old man. Makes him look foolish, really. That’s his boy.

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

@TomKondilas You can’t nurture this level of cut throat.

[Reilly Owens @reillyowens]

This used to be a busy cut-through Avenue that car and truck drivers used to avoid busier boulevards. If they drove twice the speed limit, they felt like they were winning. Now my kids and I can go almost ten blocks without coming into conflict with a car. Thanks @NYC_DOT

[Reilly Owens @reillyowens]

FDIC Friday should turn into a full American reset in which we all get to start off with $250K, no more or less, and see what we might make of ourselves.

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

I think this works

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

@TomKondilas Done. These are now for slipping on ice.

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

Expanding consciousness with @MaxKnoblauch and @TomKondilas

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

New short story just dropped

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

Me: Usher is a huge star, there is no way he tips less than 10% on this dinner bill.

Usher:

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

Since 2018, I’ve booked every job in the history of show business and I’m ready to show you how…

[Under the Bleachers @bleacherteens]

📣NEW EPISODE📣
To kick-off #AmandaBynesApril, @thatTomWhite helps us review What A Girl Wants. We discuss Colin Firth, the genetics of toast eating, and low-rise jeans. 🇬🇧

iTunes: https://t.co/CrXUPTGBJT
Spotify: https://t.co/IEvwIQqnQb
RSS feed: https://t.co/zZP9Lu3ydu

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

3 year old daughter: I have a baby, her name is baby poop.

Me: Oh that’s so cute!

3 year old daughter: Yeah…but she died.

Me: That must be so hard for you.

[Alex French @alexfrenchhere]

For sale: baby shoes, balled out.

[Nina Turner @ninaturner]

Rich people aren’t taking out student loans, their parents were able to save to pay for their education.

Let’s call student loan debt what it is: a tax on the poor and working poor that had the audacity to attempt to move up.

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

Wtf happened where all of our shoelaces are coming untied even with double knots and shit

[Wolf Entertainment @WolfEnt]

🧨💥 #FBICBS #TheFBIs

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

when the explosion hits

[lucy @upsteadtwt]

oh. #FBICBS

[Tom White @thatTomWhite]

If anyone tells you this, they are trying to make money off of you, in part, by deciding you aren’t worthy of compensation.

[Backstage @Backstage]

Experience is its own reward. https://t.co/X1q93S176n