Dane Cook

Follow me and you WILL laugh! (I'm a parody!)

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

Most people are assholes, and then there's the rest of us who are all just a little fucked in the head from having to deal with that.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

RETWEET MY JOKES AND I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOUTOUT THIS WEEK! Goodnight! #followback #teamfollowback

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

If you start drama on Twitter it's pretty safe to assume that you hate your life.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

This girl just asked me for directions to the mall so I gave her my address & when she pulls in my driveway I'll be in a lawn chair naked.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

My life is just like Eminem's except without the fortune, fame, acquaintances & women. What I'm trying to say is I went to Detroit once.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

Coffee is just cocaine for poor people.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

Twitter, the only place on Earth you'll be more inspired by nobodies than the most famous people in History.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

The best solution for dry mouth is wet vagina.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

@gerrardnum8 hit me up bro!

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

If twitter isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

My friends keep asking about the exclusive comedy club I've been talking about but I don't have the heart to tell them it's just Twitter.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

What do you do when you catch someone at work masturbating in their car while on the clock? I want to know what's going to happen to me.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

If you're considering having a kid, scatter Legos all over your house & see how painful it is when you accidentally step on one.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

What does being married and having sex have in common?

Nothing.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

You know how sometimes you get your fill of stupid early in the day and the rest is just surplus stupid?... Yeah.. that.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

When your ex's life is about to turn into a glorious shit-show, sometimes the best thing to do is just sit back and watch the magic happen.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

Twitter is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented hugging: "What're you doing?" "Shh just trust me.."

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

Retweets are like sex, the only people that complain about them are the ones that arent getting any.

[Dane Cook @The_DaneCook]

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.