C.B. English

Comedian. Musician. Freelance Researcher. Cool Cat Dad. Retired Movie Theatre Manager. Currently aspiring to be a hybrid Writer-Science Consultant for TV/Film.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

I think I just learned how to pin a tweet!

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

(Looks at self in mirror) “Girl dad.. hmm.. glad I wore this shirt today or I would’ve forgotten both those things”

It’s like Memento but for parental gender identity.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

I can’t wait until Rubin and I have kids and we become so fucking stupid that we have to wear shirts to tell us the birth gender of our child and our relationship to said child.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

I once ordered a shot of whiskey and a cup of water on my way to the bathroom and when I came out they had set it up like a some kinda recovering alcoholic’s car bomb.

“Yes I’ll have a whiskey and water. Make it a tall. You know what? I’ll assemble it myself.”

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

Robin and I are watching “tootsie” and I think I know how I can be the primate research intern next year

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

Barry Allen White.

Anything there?

There’s a guy who sings REAL good, he works in a kitchen.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

Shoutout all my recent followers. Let’s just say I have a type. They’re typically made of 1s and 0s and they are horny as hell

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

I had a dream I was doing stand up again and it DID NOT go well and I woke up tired like I was up until 1am.

Now I’m wondering if I woke up, went and did a set (it doesn’t go well) and I just went back to bed like it never happened.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

Oh no. My farts. So stinky.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

After a lovely weekend with my mother in law visiting, I like to get blackout drunk and hope I forget that she isn’t getting saner.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

So the dream was just me stressed out, running around looking for the library inside of a hotel indigo

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

If y’all were curious, I still have mild night terrors. Last night’s was Rubin and I were on vacation but she announced she’s leaving me so I had to use the library in our hotel to prove she can’t divorce me while we’re out of the state.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

I honestly would’ve been uncomfortable if this anthropology didn’t play Gracie Abrams while we were here

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

There’s something in bloom rn and it’s killing me. And I know it’s not Nirvana.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

Team Balish

[Meg @megannn_lynne]

Um, no, I definitely know the names of all the supporting cast of The Wire!!! And I for one am LOVING Baltimore Littlefinger

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

I am black steel in the hour of chaos.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

If at 7:30 someone questions the caliber of my character, imma flip my shit.

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

1:30ish pm
Me “can I get 2 shots of espresso?”
Barista/cashier “you want milk or cream? Or you a psychopath?”
“Just the 2 shots”
“Okay then.”

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

4:30ish pm
Ivan the bartender “You wanna look at food menu”
Me “no I’m good Ivan”
Ivan “You sure? This [liquor in drink] is 100 proof”
“Yes sir I’m sure”
“You’re crazy.”
“No sir. I’m a professional.”
“Ha ha ha. Well alright then.”

[C.B. English @theADHDhero]

Between all the plastics in my balls and my wife’s giant head, our kids are gonna come out looking like Funkopops