the austin show

Earth is a wonderful place, I think I'll stay...

[Dean Macpherson MP @DeanMacpherson]

The National Empowerment Fund, which has no money and who’s CEO earns more than R5 million per year, is giving each MP in the Trade & Industry committee one of these gift hampers which has been couriered from JHB. The @Our_DA members will decline this gross wastage.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

60% erf Scots ha'nae watched Braveheart yet en prefer ta spoon with an Englishmun fer a wee while loonger.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Why don't I look people in the eyes? Because you're all bat-shit crazy and I want to appear submissive.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Sweet Lord that's a lot of blood.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Weighing up the options of jail time versus using a chainsaw to make a particularly annoying person fit into the freezer

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

A lot of meat and two veg stuffed into tights flying around stage. Mesmerizing stuff all the same.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

One hour late and not a tutu in sight. Arse-sucking speeches and much wimpering. I need a large drink.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Watching ballet with the deputy president. This should be interesting.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Karma is for those who would really like to kick the shit out of nasty people, but can't.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Watching women's faces as they come out the change rooms. Epic diet failure.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Heard at the office: 'Im so constipated I'm gonna have to send a gerbil up there with a pick and shovel'.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Notice how chicks never wash their hair when going to the hairdresser? They want the shampooist to know-that ain't gel in there

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Male circumcision campaign idea: "fry 'em and sell them as onion rings." Client not laughing.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

@MissLeeBird that made me chuckle

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Just learned Neil Armstrong pooped on the moon. I don't want to be suntanning when they decide to fall back to earth.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Things I hope I don't get for Xmas. Jersey with snowflakes. Drooling cold kiss from auntie. Best of Wet Wet Wet.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

Cat dammit. My cat looks like a football with a head and needs to go on diet

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

My cart looks like a football with a head. Time to cut back on portion size.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

As one door closes, you find you're locked out.

[the austin show @TheAustinShow]

I'm giving strangers red noses for Christmas. A surprise punch in the face.