The Clutterbucks

"I raised wolves. I raised lions." — Twyla Clutterbuck
She's wrong about almost everything.

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Tomorrow we’ll tell you about Uncle Charlie.
No family ever fully recovered.

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Some families fight over politics.
Some families fight over money.
The Clutterbucks can turn breakfast into a constitutional crisis.

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RUFUS:
“My boy had a future.
Scholarships.
Football.
Now he’s sellin’ weed.”
Pause.
“I still love him.”
Longer pause.
“I just need a minute.”
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POLL:
Which parent is harder to disappoint?

A) Mom
B) Dad
C) Whoever paid for college
D) The one who never says they’re disappointed.

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BREAKING:
Billy has finally shared his life choices.
Rufus is currently processing them in stages.
None of the stages are acceptance.

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When Twyla Clutterbucks said she, “raised independent thinkers,” I don’t think she realized they’d all think independently at the same damn time.

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Mr. Fuzzywinkle has seen hostage negotiations that went smoother than Clutterbuck family dinner.

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RUFUS CLUTTERBUCK:
“Every parent thinks they know what’s best.
Then the kids grow up.”

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Billy Clutterbuck has something to tell his parents.

He quit football.
He opened a cannabis shop.
He’s waiting for the right moment.

There isn’t one.

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MADISON:
“I’m in AA. One month, seven days, and nine hours.”
TWYLA:
“Haha… yeah right.
You want a Liquid Crack and Coke Zero or a fentanyl spritzer?”

Silence.

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Question:
What’s the longest you’ve ever gone pretending everything at dinner was completely normal?
A) Five minutes
B) Thirty minutes
C) The entire meal
D) We’re still pretending.

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Not a single boundary survived this household.

Welcome to 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐶𝐿𝑈𝑇𝑇𝐸𝑅𝐵𝑈𝐶𝐾𝑆
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We accidentally wrote a new genre.

Lockdown drama.

Only… make it a dark comedy.

The Clutterbucks

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Twyla has a remarkable ability.
She can turn a simple question into a full-scale family crisis.
She’s undefeated.

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You’re invited to a Fourth of July barbecue.
The first argument starts before the burgers are done.
What’s the topic?
A) The flag
B) Fireworks
C) Politics
D) Potato salad

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EL PASO HOLIDAY NOTICE:
Tomorrow is Independence Day.
As always, residents are reminded that arguing over what freedom means is the preferred method of celebrating.
Fireworks begin at dusk.
Family disputes begin around noon.

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EL PASO WEATHER:
Sunny.
87 degrees.
Still citizens remain furious.