Dave Markley

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

I have moved to a place in my life, where when looking at vacation spots, I no longer look at what breweries there are nearby.

I am more interested in the local coffee shops ☕️

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Daniel Tiger is applicable for all ages.

“When something seems bad, turn it around and find something good!”

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

My 5 year old just came into his bedroom after brushing his teeth and blasted me with 3 sentences in a row without giving me a chance to respond:

“Was that two minutes?”
“Get out of my bed”
“What’s 9+9?”

The mind of child moves quickly.

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

No one:
@michellezewe : “Jake from State Farm is handsome”

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Asked my 4 year old if he wanted us to have another baby.

His response:

“Of course. I hope their nipples work.”

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Boomers: “I hate that kids nowadays are obsessed with their phones”

Also Boomers: *steps out in front of a photographer AND a videographer at a wedding to get a a blurry picture on their shitty phone while a professional is trying to take pictures that are actually good*

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Playing “I spy” in the car today with my 4 year old.

I said, “I spy something camouflage” in reference to his pants.

He quickly replies “Is it Jesus? Jesus and God?”

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

.@michellezewe & I were playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. We counted the marbles to see who won. She had 9 & I had 3.

She then said to our 4 year old, “I ate almost double what daddy ate.”

I let her in on some 1st Grade knowledge that she in fact had triple.

Stay in school kids.

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

I was in the right lane on the highway and the car in front of me just lane changed (to the right) onto the on-ramp to drive back into the lane they were just in…

Sir, don’t drink and drive.

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

I asked @michellezewe if she liked the food we made.

She said “yeah, it’s really good!”

I told her to rate it, and she gave it a 6.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have no idea what the hell scale she is using if a 6 is “really good”

[Pat McAfee @PatMcAfeeShow]

Crutched up… foot casted.. DON’T MATTER

If @joeyjaws can somehow match his total of 76 Hot Dogs & Buns from last year’s contest, this year.. I’ll give 76 folks that retweet this tweet $150.

🗣🗣🗣 LET’S GOOOO JOEYYYY

🗣🗣 PAHND THOSE DOGS JOEYYY

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Well even many years later, I stand by my very unpopular opinion.

Anchorman is a terrible movie. I fell asleep, lost interest, and then went to bed early. It did get two smirks out of me, but overall not a good comedy. Apatow has done so much better

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Life hack:

During the winter, unplug your refrigerator and keep all of your groceries in your car. Retrieve items when needed.

Thank me later.

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Life hack:

When a holiday is coming up, tell your partner “whatever you do, don’t get the mail.”

Then just buy yourself tons of goodies. Thank me later.

Also, I have never done this 😂

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Today is the day our youngest is getting his first haircut. If I remember correctly the first haircut was when our oldest went from looking like a baby…to a boy 😭

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

@TweetsbyTurk @tonyhawk It was amazing.

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

@michellezewe @ScottEarlBocker @ScottEarlBocker it’s better than being scolded because they were unable to be specific in their lists, but you have to know exactly what they want.. AT. ALL. TIMES.

[Dave Markley @TheDaveMarkley]

Just asked my 4 yr old what’s the worst thing you could say to someone.

He replied: “it’s a bad word”.

We told him he could say it this once.

His reply: “stupid”.

So if he ever yells and calls us “stupid” we now know he means it with all the anger he has in this world 😂

[Joe Biden @JoeBiden]

Mr. President, welcome back to the White House.

[Total Sports Enterprises @TotalSportsEnt]

We're going to give away a Hines Ward autographed jersey to someone who retweets this tweet and follows us!

We'll pick a winner on Monday 4/4!