clandestina fey

Shining a little light on the funny and unexpected parts of becoming a mom.

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

New cleaning trend for the fall: double filtered vacuum contents. When you have to sift through the already vacuumed gunk to find your kid’s small toy that met their untimely demise, make a mess, and have to re-vacuum the gunk. #trending #falltrends #parenting

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

The real reason I download photo editing apps is to use the blemish tool to hide the stains on my carpet I’ve gone 5x over with my carpet cleaner so I can post Christmas pictures on Facebook. #thanksadobe #Christmas #adobe #kidsruincarpet #facebook #momlife #kids #momhack

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@VZWSupport is terrible. Transferred my service to a different carrier, never received a bill/email/notification of any kind that I owed VZW money and had been sent to collections. For service I haven’t used in 2 months. switch now and save your money. #verizonsucks #saveyourself

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

Hey Twitter, it’s been a while. I still have 2 crotch goblins trying to puncture my fleshy bits with their pterodactyl claws when it’s bedtime. What’s new with you?

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

One of the biggest lies sold to parents is that your baby will be happy and cooperative while you use any product meant to remove their boogers. Either there’s bloodcurdling screaming involved or the boogers stay forever. #itsallLIES #babyboogs #unfair

[30 Rock @30Rock]

What a week, huh?

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@TheCatWhisprer Genius. F-ing GENIUS.

[The 21st Century SAHM @21stcenturysahm]

You can be a good mom even if you don’t want to be with your kids every second of the day. I feel like we should tell moms this more often.

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

Attention all parents: I’ve discovered the way to make your kids eat anything! Buy something they ask for but don’t eat intially, drop it on the floor or leave it in an obscure location for approx 1 hr. Upon discovering said food they will eat it, no questions asked! #parenthack

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@1039rxp What about a “things you miss while in quarantine” playlist? Starters: Sit next to me-@fosterthepeople, CVS- @WinnetkaBowling, let’s dance-@DavidBowieReal

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@catecarrier Oh my god it’s so true 😭😭😭

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@ScaryMommy I am right there with you. I work at a doctors’ office, I come home exhausted, and then try to do online school with a hyperactive kindergartener who doesn’t want to pay attention and a 9 month old who just started walking with no fear. I feel like a douchebag.

[30 Rock @30Rock]

What a week, huh?

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@yelyahwilliams I read this in tom haverford’s voice

[Scary Mommy @ScaryMommy]

Parenting is mostly saying, “I’m not cleaning your mess” while continuing to clean everyone’s mess.

[tMj 🤎 @_triniteaa]

pray for us college students, we just turning anything in at this point 🤣

[Parks and Recreation @parksandrec]

Thanks to Mouse Rat, these are the #LyricsThatChangedMe. 😂

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@severelisadistk Omg. I just now understood this. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ don’t mind me. I’ll be over here minding my own business and looking back on tweets from 2 years ago. No big deal.

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@severelisadistk you’re more beautiful than cinderella and your face is like sunshine

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@catecarrier @theofficenbc

[clandestina fey @TheFirstTimeMom]

@1039rxp thanks for rocking the old school @ManchesterOrch this morning!