Jessus Christ

Honestly? I just want to write and live in New York City and stay blonde until I die.

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Three different people have commented on the fact that I have a cute polaroid of myself in the photo slot of my wallet and like GENUINELY what else would you expect me to put there? None of my illegitimate children will respond to my letters, let alone mail me their school photos

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

@TristinHopper I’ve always been a fan of the 2 billion trees project as the symbol for this. Because whatever you thought of the idea itself, at least it was genuinely achievable. They could’ve planted that many trees if they wanted to, it wasn’t some abstract thing. They just didn’t bother to.

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

@AmazingZoltan What is a “no question debate”?

[tom_tuna @tom_tuna]

Seeing that blue tooth speaker at the beach coming your way

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

@elonmusk Please buy and revive Hudson’s Bay as a gesture of good will toward the Canadian people

[CBC News @CBCNews]

Hudson's Bay announced late Friday evening that unless it finds a more viable path forward, it will begin liquidating its entire business as soon as next week, putting more than 9,000 jobs at risk. https://t.co/BxMC8XTYg2

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Ever since Pillsbury reformulated its cookie dough so it was safe to eat raw, it hasn’t been the same. I needed that danger

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Crazy how there’s just like a beluga house of horrors in Niagara Falls, Ontario

[CityNews Toronto @CityNewsTO]

Marineland euthanizes 7-year-old beluga after medical struggles. https://t.co/HvRZw77tCi

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Men only get married so they can have a new profile picture for Facebook

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

S.O.S. accidentally asked for a grande at Second Cup and they pulled a shotgun out from under the counter

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Me texting my sister: Hello my beautiful baby sister!!! Hope you’re having a Sunday afternoon as wonderful as you are. (If that’s even possible! Haha) Just wanted to confirm what day you’ll be getting back from your trip! Let me know, Sunshine!!! xoxo

My sister texting me: 9th

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Buying a girl flowers sends the wrong message: that you are bad with money. To demonstrate your love, get her something that will last, like a plot of land where generations of her progeny can surely thrive

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Tipping my MAID euthanasist 25% just like Anne Boleyn before me

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

The fact that Duolingo has determined this sentence is a need-to-know for me, personally, in Portuguese

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Obsessed with the song choice here

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Turns out for something like four years every time I’ve called my dad, he sees “WORST DAUGHTER EVER” and thinks “that’s Jessica calling me” 👍

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Years ago me and my little sister did this thing where we kept changing each other’s contact name in my dad’s phone to “WORST DAUGHTER EVER”, back and forth, and then eventually the bit fizzled out and I forgot about it until just now, calling my dad’s phone to help him find it

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Justin Trudeau playing 4D chess like “if Canadians can’t access news, they can’t be disappointed in me”

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

Tapping on the driver’s window of a car stuck in the middle of an intersection on a red to ask if their parents were cousins

[Jessus Christ @TheJGod]

My thought bubble when I’m at a restaurant with my parents and they say no to getting an appetizer

[Daily Loud @DailyLoud]

A man faked his own death before turning up at his funeral in a helicopter to “teach his family a lesson”