R O

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

@jeznjaz 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

@jeznjaz 😆 Just seeing this now. Don't check my Twitter every day. Love it!

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

I swear to God if someone drops me as a Facebook friend just ONE MORE FUCKING TIME then I will have one less Facebook friend.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

Donate $3 to Wikipedia or buy my nephew a Christmas present? Thoughts?

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

“What sign are you?”
“Taurus.”
“Aren’t you gonna ask what sign I am?”
“Nope, I already know it’s Airhead.”

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

Whenever I'm out of Ambien, the next best thing is calling up a co-worker and asking how their weekend was.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

To determine how attractive you really are on a scale of 1 to 10, simply start at 7 and then subtract 1 for each cat you own.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

A better way to deter thieves would be if car alarms blasted John Mayer.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

"Talk to the Hand!" -- Hamburger Helper Complaint Line

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

Sorry, your password must contain at least one number, one capital letter and one emoticon expressing joy but not bliss.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

If you're trying to hide cash, the one place no one would ever think to look is the tip jar at Subway.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

Just had to convince my niece that a big bad Apple Update wasn’t hiding under her bed.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to delete my Facebook account.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

If it could, Microsoft Word would draw a big blue squiggly line under my life.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

A choo-choo train text tone is a precursor to owning a Neverland Ranch.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

I wish I could click “Not Now” when someone tries to friend me in person.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

I’m chasing my dream every day. (My dream is vodka)

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

Whenever I’m pissed at my spiritual friends, I set their alarms for 11:12.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

Disgusted by the number of Christians who are mingling out of wedlock.

[R O @TheRealRamOrd]

The bill for my "Save the Children" sponsorship went up two cents a day. Fucking monopolies.