Scottt

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

@mizabitha A black box courtroom is incredibly intimidating. Very Cardassian.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

A productive conversation with my dad.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

I recently saw a Cybertruck on Grandview. People were taking pictures with it, because at its heart Pittsburgh is a town of yokels and rubes.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

A new Chipotle opened near me and the tables are WAY too sharp.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

The Gilmore Girls would have loved the covfefe tweet.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

No organization receives more unearned good will than Spirit Halloween. It's a terrible store. It just shows up at a lot of folks' favorite time of year.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

@billpeduto And now the Aztecs are building a city on her.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

I love when Google Maps offers to show me a trip I took a year ago, because it's always my mom's house and two different Sheetz or Kayla's parents' house and the same Sheetz twice.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

@ZFunkYeah @WorthASandwich This was the first game I ever had. I remember it being so hard.

[out of context caro yost @carosnake]

I got a Tesla!!!!!!

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

For a while I thought the lyric in "About Damn Time" by Lizzo was "it's bad bitch o'clock, yeah it's 6:30." It resonated with me. I finish work at 6, so for me 6:30 truly is bad bitch o'clock.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

I respect Fox's pizza for refusing to include pineapple in the "veggies" section of their online menu. Pineapple isn't a vegetable. It's "other" like BBQ sauce and nacho chips.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

I appreciate the nurse practitioner at my recent appointment who was like "if you lived in Denver, these results wouldn't be unusual at all due to the altitude." Somehow he knew that I'm the kind of patient who doesn't just want treatment, I want the Fun Facts too.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

I'm so happy my YouTube ads have reverted from election ads back to ads warning me about the 10 to 15 pounds of toxic poop I have in my body. I'd rather hear about the poop than hear Doug Mastriano.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

My favorite cryptid is the mysterious bag of delivery food that sometimes appears on my stoop.

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

i think it’s good that elon musk is buying twitter. every website should be owned by its worst user. let my aunt be CEO of facebook

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

When I bought toilet paper months ago the packaging was paper instead of plastic and I was like "Yes. Finally a classy era of toilet paper has arrived. This is fancy like a baguette!" But ever since then all the bales have been boring plastic again.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

Every couple of months Facebook's ad algorithm is like "but are you...are you absolutely SURE you wouldn't like to start down the road to fascism? No? All right, well what about keto?"

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

I think many in my generation share the trauma of being terrified by something we overheard on Oprah while our parents were watching.

[Scottt @TheScottPatton]

Last night I dreamed that I was Spider-Man fighting bad guys, but I guess my subconscious sucks at coming up with his trademark quips. The only one I remember is "don't touch me. I'm pregnant and if you touch me you'll get pregnant or have to have pregnancy surgery."