Todd Kirkwood

Comedian. Latino. Born in the Mojave. Living in Seattle.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Stop kink shaming America for not using metric. We have a foot fetish. Grow up.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

It’s Elon’s world.
We only Tweet in it.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Wearing masks and conserving moisture, while watching Dune.

Perfect.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

The other night I got my first,
“Whip yo dick out out!”
Weight loss goals achieved!

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Working a new bit into the act is like buying only one piece of new clothing. It’s makes all my other stuff look shabby.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Today on my hike
for a brief moment at 10:14am
my ass felt toned

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

This traffic is perpetuating stereotypes that Latinos are always late. It’s problematic.

Cancel traffic.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

~Spider~
a poem

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
IT FELL BEHIND THE COUCH

I
CANT
FIND
IT.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN AN EXTRA IN ALIENS.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

I dont “do” my hair anymore
I just wake it up before I head out

It’s a Symbiot

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Walked by a construction site today.
Catcalled some of the workers.
They Loved it!
Lessons were not learned.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Carrying all the groceries in one trip is leg day AND arm day. Done.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Listen.
I know it seems scary.
Chaotic even.
Life speeding out control.
It can feel overwhelming.
Maybe you wanna slow down.
But you can’t.
Don’t you dare.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO ACCELERATE TO MERGE ONTO THE FREEWAY!

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Bacon bits are pop rocks for adults.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

My posts have llttle mistakes, so you can tell they’re handcrafted.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

ANY conversation is better served by tossing in the word geoduck.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

I did have one vaccination side effect. I can’t stand masks anymore.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

If you think falling for your variant is weird, maybe try more self love.

#Loki

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

Anyone wanna share login info for their AC?

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

I bet there’s a parallel universe where they practice perpendicular parking.

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

The yoga instructor said “Soften your gaze”. I said “But I like my Gays hard!”

Happy Pride! Stay Hard!

[Todd Kirkwood @TheWordofTodd]

You ever have the check engine light come on and your like Nope, the car better walk it off.