Tim Vine quotes

Follow for a daily quote, pun or joke from the star of 'Not going out' and stand up comedian, Tim Vine. Velcro: what a rip-off.

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

RT @Jumpstart88: "You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon."

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

#timvinequotes

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

I phoned the local gym & I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, How flexible are you? I said, I can't make Tuesdays.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

Exit signs? They're on the way out!

[Tim Vine quotes @Timvinequotes]

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!