To My Dying Self

A freeter, diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and bipolar II.
Not dying of any severe physical medical condition.

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

I'm so tired and it hurts so much what do I have to do to end this pain

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Talk less. Smile more.

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

I can't voice out my problem anymore because it just caused so much problem so I rather just keep it in like I used to do

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Goodbye my progress in communicating

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

I can't sleep because I need to get things off of my chest but if I do I'll breakdown again which I can't have rn

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

I said I don't care anymore but it still hurts

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

I'm so tired

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Why can't I enjoy the rain for once this year?

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Now it's replies jeez
Sigh what I got to do to get that same amount of attention
Maybe I'm not worth any at all I guess

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Out of sight, out of mind

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Oh my god the pattern to whenever I access the account is consistent. It's like I get recurring depressive episodes when it's near my birthday or within my birthday month. My brain knows I regret living lmao

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Do I need to tweet something inspirational or a deep message to get likes everytime I tweet?

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

And it makes me wonder why things that seemingly a small issue for others seems really huge for me and bawl my eyes out for.

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Wondering if what I'm upset about is valid or not is the constant dilemma I ask myself everytime I cry.

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Because I feel like it's something small or insignificant like being upset about certain people liking things and I have no say nor right to tell them that it makes me upset

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Oh shit I'm still alive

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

Heh

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

It's so ironic that I used to wish rainy days would be here more often.

Now I just wish desperately that to make it sunny today, so I can hate this world one last time before I go.

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

The last time I badly wanted my life to end was August 2017.

It's August again.

[To My Dying Self @ToMyDyingSelf]

I woke up with this weather.
It's not sunny nor is it rainy

It's cloudy and windy

But I guess this weather is nice too
I guess it's nice enough to be my last day.