Total Dick Dad

Just like your dad.

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 9 years, since 5 Sep 2013 (via @twi_age).

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 8 years, since 5 Sep 2013 (via @twi_age).

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 7 years, since 5 Sep 2013 (via @twi_age).

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 6 years, since 5 Sep 2013 (via @twi_age).

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

It's #MyTwitterAnniversary! I have been on Twitter for 5 years (since 5 Sep 2013).
And you? https://t.co/oVfTqjpiMC

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 4 years (since 5 Sep 2013).
And you? https://t.co/oVfTqjpiMC

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 3 years (since 5 Sep 2013).
And you? https://t.co/oVfTqjpiMC

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

I walked in on my son putting a big tip between his lips, squeezing, and sucking warm white stuff in his mouth.

He's got to stop vaping.

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

*first appointment with hot therapist*
Me: *laying on couch* "yeah, so my life has been really rough. Living with a huge penis isn't easy"

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

"Why are you mad at me sweety?"
"Dad... You wrote on my birthday card "I love you I guess whatever"

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

Daughter: why do you only follow Taylor swift on Twitter? Why won't you follow me?
Me: do you get down the this sick beat? I bet not.

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

A text my feminist son sent to a girl. I'm so proud of him.

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

I like hide and seek. I've been playing that game with my son since he was born, he still hasn't found me!

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

Hey son what has 4 legs and can't walk?

A chair?

No you idiot, your dog died.

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

I better not walk in on my son doing home work again. Hasn't that nerd ever heard of porn or video games?

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

*phone rings*
Daughter: I'm in the hospital. I got into a car wreck?
Me: well I'm grilling, so you cool or what?
Daughter: *dies*
Me: ttyl

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

I sold my car to gamestop for $2.50 store credit.

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

Daughter: dad is it ok if I go out with friends tonight?

Me: hahahaha what friends? Lol

[Total Dick Dad @TotalDickDad]

There are kids in Africa who don't get to vape.