Totally Man U

I left my job to start this account. My aim is to tweet breaking news for Man Utd fans around the world. Follow me on this incredible journey.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

@ManUtd_HQ Hmm

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

Aside from my wife leaving me, flying to France to interview Paul Pogba only to be told he's in America right now is my lowest ever moment.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

@paulpogba Paul. I am the founder and CEO of TotallyManU. I'm really interested in speaking with you. Get back to me please mate. Thank you.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

Flight to Paris booked. I'm sick of the speculation. Tomorrow I fly to France to get the latest on Paul Pogba's future. Let me settle this.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

Thanks for nothing.. The followers of this account are pathetic. That's the last time I do a meet and greet. Not one person showed up

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

I am going to be holding a meet and greet outside Old Trafford tomorrow as a sorry to the fans for my lack of tweets. Come and say hi.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

Happy birthday to my son Michael. Have a good day mate. Tell your mum she's a slag and thanks for ruining my life. Love from dad xx

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

I have dedicated my life to running a Manchester United Twitter account. When they perform and lose like that I seriously worry.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

Just realised the United squad are in Denmark. What a waste of my time. 6 hours trying to get hold of LVG and he isn't even in the country.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

On a more positive note I will be phoning @ManUtd later today. I won't be stopping until I have either LVG or Paul Scholes on the phone.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

I was hurt by some of the Q&A questions last night which is why it was cut short. Asking me to 'go and boil my head' is appalling.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

I can't believe I am saying this. I have decided to return as CEO of #TotallyManU for the third time. #FollowMyIncredibleJourney

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

If anyone is even bothered about me anymore I'm now unemployed and living off benefits. My wife has left me and taken the kids.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

My performance yesterday during deadline day was unacceptable. Certain sources let me down and I can only apologise to my fans for this.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

As CEO of #TotallyManU I cannot confirm the signing of Daley Blind. Still waiting to hear back from a source of mine. Stay with me.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

I decided to wait until now to break the news that Man United will sign Falcao on loan. The loan fee is around the £6m mark. #TotallyManU

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

If you're a Man Utd fan you MUST follow me. I hope to become the first million pound twitter account. I tweet breaking news. #TotallyManU

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

As chief executive of #TotallyManU I would like to apologise to mine and the clubs supporters for the 4-0 defeat at the hands of MK Dons.

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

As CEO of #TotallyManU I would like to announce the signing of Angel Di Maria. #ManUtd

[Totally Man U @TotallyManU]

@GreenFlagUK Stuck on the A1 heading towards Sunderland. Car has completely packed in. Battery about to die on my phone please help me.