Tyler Leonard

Rinse and retweet.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

Give a fish a man and you'll feed it for a day.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

Sure I'll help you out. Where did you come in from?

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

[visually impaired Secret Service agent yells into sleeve]

Head shot! Sniper at four o'clock!

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

When you wake up in the middle of the night with a craving and open the fridge.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

My New Year's resolution is to be more forward thinking.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

Note to self: You should have just remebered this, moron.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

I just learned about the word "postjudiced". Seeing how I always know best, it feels like I got my hands on kryptonite.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

I can't seem to get the hang of covering my PIN because I get robbed two bucks every time.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

What's your favorite procedure?
Colon cancer.
Why?
Because of all the poop.

Actual small talk with a surgeon. Can't tell if she was joking.

[chuuch @ch000ch]

me [dead and in hell for over 3000 years]: still can't believe i used the wrong you're in that one tweet

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

When you were positive you used a semicolon correctly but someone puts you in place.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

On a scale of one to ten, who the hell is this Kanye?

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

SPOILER ALERT

The Revenant is pretty much when Leo is incapacitated in Wolf of Wall Street except it's a bear and not quaaludes.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

And as you read this tweet your eye lids are becoming heavier. You're decending into state of complete... relaxation…

Not working, huh?

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

Sarah Palin must have just assumed we'd already tweeted everything we can possibly tweet about her a long time ago. She was wrong.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

"OK, duck face products. Let's think outside the box. Ideas?"
"Well, I got this dog that I hate..."

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

So there I was being told they'd prefer if I leave thinking how did I become a preferred customer in the first place the way I was going on.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

BAD COP: And then you pulled the trigger? Brains all over the sidewalk, HUH?! ANSWER GODDAMMIT!
GOOD COP: Uhm... Name the Great Lakes.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

I seem to be allocated a smaller amount of fucks to give every year.

[Tyler Leonard @TylerTrespass]

I put my onesie on one body at a time just like everybody else.