I will delete this at some point, but for now I need this off my chest. And so it’s said somewhere, I’m so sorry that I can’t be the person you need me to be.
Which is why I’m posting it here, few people have my Twitter and those people don’t check my Twitter. So I rant, cry, and scream here, hiding everything so I don’t crack and fail just yet. So ultimately I can suffer alone, quietly, and safely. Far from the people who will worry
It’s on everyone else too. People are relying on you to persevere. But I can’t just tell people what I’m going through, people already have their own problems, they don’t need mine. But at the same time I need to get this off my chest before I drown in the unending sea of doubt
But I can’t ever seem to get the thoughts out of my head that failure is imminent, no matter how hard you try, how fast you run, how well you fight you will always fail. But then being told you can’t give up, you have to try because if you fail it’s not just on you
But I can’t carry the responsibility, I can’t carry the stress, I can’t carry the anxiety, I can’t carry the fear. And because I can’t I’m losing my mind. I understand there is a phycological aspect to it, that if I keep telling myself I can’t then I can’t and I need to say I can
And this isn’t a minor, if things go bad it’s not that big of a deal kinda thing, this is a thing that if it fails it’s long lasting ramifications. I feel like I’m being crushed under the stress but also like I should be able to hold my own and handle the weight of responsibility