Unless they see results, people won't believe you tried.
The world judges effort by its outcome. If you win, you worked hard. If you don't, maybe you didn't try hard enough. That is the verdict, fair or not.
But effort and results are not the same currency. A man can give everything and still come up empty. The ground does not always reward the farmer who worked it hardest.
This is what makes failure lonely in a way that success never is. The person who succeeds gets witnesses. The person who tried and failed stands alone with something nobody can verify and most people won't bother to believe.
Try anyway.
Dear Parents,
Let me share a secret with you. I pray it benefits you.
After my post on the anatomical psychology of a child yesterday, I received some questions about how to help children who struggle to focus on their studies and what parents can do to help them. If your child or your children is struggling academically, or lose focus easily, then this post is for you.
What you are likely seeing is a child who starts a task but wanders off. You might see them staring at a book for an hour without remembering a single line. It is easy to think they are being lazy, but what you ought to see is a mind where the internal powers are not connected.
The Almighty God in the Quran mentions the Nasiyah in Surah Al-Alaq (96:15) as the place of decision and control. Science has shown this to be the prefrontal cortex, the part behind the forehead.
In Kitab al-Shifa, Ibn Sina identified a power box called Al-Quwwah al-Mutakhayyilah (the Composative Imagination). This power is the pilot of the brain. Its job is to take information and turn it into focused thought. When focus is gone, the bridge is broken.
To help them overcome this problem, you can use a mental drill called Reverse Narrating (RN). Reverse Narrating is a modern concept, but, it has root in our religion too.
The principle behind RN is deeply anchored in the works of Abu Zayd al-Balkhi. He is considered the father of Islamic psychology. In his book Masalih al-Abdan wa al-Anfus (Sustenance of the Soul), he talked about Riyadat al-Nafs (disciplining the mind). He taught that the mind needs specific "mental rehearsals" to regain control over wandering thoughts.
This mental rehearsals through reverse narrating is what you should adopt going forward because it forces the brain to reorganize information in a way that is not natural.
Here is how you can do it:
1.Ask your child what they are doing right this moment (when you call them).
2.Ask them what they did ten minutes before that.
3.Keep asking what happened before each step, moving backward through the day.
4.Continue until they reach the moment they woke up in the morning.
Do you know what you have done? You have just forced the Mutakhayyilah of your child to work in overdrive to pull data from the memory and flip it.
What this does is that It strengthens the pilot seat in their forehead. If you do this for a few minutes every evening, you would be building the mental glue your child needs to stay on a task. This is how struggling children improve their mental power and succeed in their studies. GIVE IT A TRY.
Allah knows best.
Letโs talk about the 7-7-7 rule of parenting. I know that some of you might have heard of it before. But what I want to share with you are rare tips that you cannot find in your regular blogs.
Why the 7-7-7 Rule in the first place?
We are all exhausted. I see it in my DMs every day. We are fighting battles in our homes that we should not even be in because we try to use the same heavy hand for every age.
The truth is, you cannot use the same logic for a toddler that you use for a teenager. When you use the wrong tool at the wrong time, you do not just fail to teach the child. You break the relationship between you and the child.
The 7-7-7 rule is the solution to this constant friction. This rule was first echoed by Ali ibn Abi Talib (May The Almighty be pleased with him).
He said: Play with them for seven years, Discipline them for seven years, and then Befriend them for seven years. It sounds easy, but most of us do it in the wrong order. We are too serious with the toddlers and then we try to be the boss when they are already teenagers.
(1) The 0 to 7 Years Stage. This is the stage to build the love tank. Imam Al-Ghazali said in Ihya, that a child's heart is a precious jewel that is blank and ready for any carving. In these years, you should play more than you lecture.
One rare tip that you can adopt going forward is Overhead Praise. Direct praise is good, but overhead praise is gold. Instead of telling them they are good, tell your spouse or a friend about their good deed while the child is in the room. When they hear you brag about their kindness when they think you aren't looking, it builds a deep confidence.
Action Tip: Find one small thing they did well today and mention it to someone else while they are nearby. Make sure they can hear you. Be intentional and consistent about it.
(2) The 7 to 14 Years Stage. This is the time for character and boundaries. The scholar Ibn al-Jawzi in Sayd al-Khatir, warned us about forcing a narrow vessel to hold too much.
Remember I talked about Taghaful (Strategic Ignorance) yesterday. This is the right age to use it. It means you see the mistake, but you choose to look away. If you correct every single thing they do wrong, they will develop a hearing block against your voice by age ten. You have to save your corrections for the things that matter.
Action Tip: Start today by adopting the 70/30 rule. Ignore 70% of the small irritations, maybe it is a messy desk or a slow response. Save your energy for the 30% that actually involves character or safety.
Only speak up for the big boundaries. You are building authority by not wasting it on small irritations. Pay attention to their demeanor and be consistent.
(3) The 14 to 21 Years Stage. In this stage, the "boss" version of you must die so the "consultant" version can be born. The scholar Ibn Miskawayh in Tahdhib al-Akhlaq, wrote about the refinement of the soul as a process that requires respect. If you keep using force, they will just learn to hide their life from you.
Action Tip: Your job now is to protect their Sirr (Sacred Secrecy). If they tell you something heavy, misdeed or embarrassing, keep it between you. Do not share it with the extended family. To keep them close, you must be a safe vault.
This week, try to listen to them for twenty minutes without giving a single piece of advice. Just listen so they know you are a friend they can trust with their future.
In all, the 7-7-7 rule is about realizing that you are a gardener. You don't make the plant grow. You just provide the right environment for it to reach its own opening (Fath).
As a parent, which stage are you currently navigating? Letโs discuss in the comments๐๐ฟ๐๐ฟ
Congratulations to all the University of Lagos graduates.
You have graduated from one of the top 3 universities in the country. You should be proud of your academic accomplishment.
Have an impactful career ๐๐จ๐ฝโ๐๐.