OFFICIAL PRESS STATEMENT
I wish to officially inform everyone that I will be supporting Manchester United this season.
However, I have also adopted a special policy: any team playing against Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester City, Liverpool or Tottenham automatically becomes my second favourite team.
Kindly take note that my mood every weekend will depend entirely on Manchester United’s result.
If United wins, I will be happy, approachable, peaceful and open to all forms of conversation.
But if Manchester United loses a match, please do not call, text, WhatsApp, visit, or even look at me unnecessarily.
I repeat: NO CALLS. NO TEXTS. NO QUESTIONS. NO “HOW ARE YOU?”
Allow me to process the pain, blame the referee, question the manager, criticize the players and convince myself this season will be different.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Yours faithfully,
A Loyal Manchester United Supporter.