..................

Quiet observer.. Mission changed. Back to minding my business.

[.................. @UVB2002]

@muheediva01 Consulting. You can consult on anything. Low barrier entry and can switch it up as you please. Admin today, HR tomorrow, education, logistics, project management

[.................. @UVB2002]

When I just moved to KE, in a car with friends from different countries, I used this word and was ribbed for years after. I was that day old when I discovered it was a Nigerian word.

[Grove Kifasi ✟ @GroveRKifasi]

My favorite Nigerian word is “Trafficate”.

It’s so effective… and it communicates its meaning more clearly than the English alternatives.

[.................. @UVB2002]

She asked me three times to be her official "sorry, I can't" I declined, gave the consent for her to attend her friend's launch and now she can't blame me for choosing bed over a launch. Gen Z: peak delegation, now accepting full responsibility. Gen Z needs to leave their room.

[.................. @UVB2002]

Is there anyone who knows how to stop Airtel?... from sending endless texts, multiple texts containing the same message @AIRTEL_KE

[.................. @UVB2002]

Just this past weekend I was chuckling to 2 colleagues, 1 Kenyan and 1 Nigerian about this grift and they both jumped down my throat that democrats in the US tell such lies, they were loud and frankly I felt attacked and they defended the administration. Yikes!

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

I am the Head of Product at Trump Mobile. There is no product. I have the best job in America.

590,000 people paid $100 each to preorder a gold phone that does not exist. That is $59 million. My KPI is deposit velocity. I have a whiteboard in my office that says DEPOSIT VELOCITY. There is nothing else on the whiteboard.

We announced the phone June 2025. Gold case. American flag on the back. "Made in the USA." Ship date: August. I moved it to November. Then December. Then Q1 2026. Then mid-March. Each time I sent 590,000 people an email that said "exciting update." The exciting update was that the phone still did not exist. In April I deleted the ship date from the website entirely. I got a standing ovation on the all-hands. That was our most successful product milestone.

The phone is a $499 gold Android. 50MP camera. 6.78-inch display. Fingerprint sensor. I have never held one. Nobody on earth has held one. We got the T1 certified for network compatibility in March. We celebrated like we'd shipped. We did not ship. We certified the concept of a phone. The network said: if this thing existed, it could connect. We called that a breakthrough.

On April 6th I updated the terms and conditions. "A preorder deposit does not guarantee that a Device will be produced or made available for purchase." Trump Mobile does not guarantee regulatory approval. Does not guarantee production. Does not guarantee delivery. Does not guarantee the phone will exist. The deposit is non-transferable and carries no independent cash value. I have the printout framed in my office next to the whiteboard. That is the only thing we have shipped on schedule. 

"Made in the USA" lasted three months. Became "American-proud design." Then "designed with American values in mind." We manufacture overseas. Final assembly of 10 components happens in Miami. We counted putting the flag sticker on the back as one of the 10. While 590,000 people wait for their gold phone, we are currently selling refurbished iPhones. Made in China. With a Trump logo on the box. For $47.45 a month on T-Mobile's network. We are reselling another company's network at a patriotic markup. The plan is called the 47 Plan. The 47 is the only original thing about it.

An intern asked me last month when we are going to build the phone. I promoted her to VP of Customer Expectations.

Senator Warren wrote the FTC in January. I am not worried. We will have launched the next product before they finish reading the letter. That is always the math. I know the math because I have been watching it evolve for years.

Trump University promised education. Delivered weekend seminars in hotel conference rooms. 5,000 students. Settled for $25 million. That was version 1.0. You had to rent the room. You had to print the binder. You had to hire the speaker. You had to settle. Three entire obligations.

$TRUMP memecoin. No education. No binder. No room. Peaked at $75. Now $2.80. Down 96%. 1 billion tokens minted. 80% went to the team. 45 wallets gained $1.2 billion on launch night while everyone else watched their screens. For every dollar insiders made, retail lost twenty. That was version 2.0. You did not have to build anything. You did not have to hire anyone. You just had to press mint. Two obligations eliminated.

$MELANIA. Same model. Launched 48 hours later on the same audience. Down 99%. 24 wallets bought $2.6 million worth exactly 2.5 minutes before the First Lady's announcement. One wallet turned $681,000 into $39 million in 24 hours. The team controls 92% of supply. Her launch crashed her husband's token by 50% in the same hour. That was version 2.1. A patch, not a release. You did not even need a new customer base. You could cannibalize the last one.

WLFI. World Liberty Financial. The President's crypto project. Took $500 million from 600,000 wallets. Tokens locked. Cannot sell. Cannot transfer. Cannot leave. Team holds 73% of supply and votes to unlock itself. The project's advisor borrowed $75 million on a lending platform he co-founded. Using investor tokens as collateral. On a protocol where the project is 82.7% of total value locked. Other depositors could not withdraw. The President's family takes 75 cents of every dollar. That was version 3.0. You did not have to deliver anything. You did not have to pretend anything would go up. You just had to lock the door and keep the key. One obligation remaining: the smart contract.

Trump Mobile is version 4.0.

I did not have to mint a token. Did not have to write a smart contract. Did not have to lock a single wallet. Did not have to build a lending platform or freeze a billionaire or rig a governance vote. I put a flag on a gold rectangle that does not exist, opened a deposit page, collected $59 million from 590,000 Americans, and then updated the terms to say the deposit does not guarantee the rectangle will ever be real.

The version history, in case you are keeping score:

1.0 — Had to rent a room. Had to settle.
2.0 — Had to mint. Didn't have to build.
2.1 — Didn't even need new customers.
3.0 — Didn't have to deliver. They couldn't leave.
4.0 — Didn't have to promise. They paid for the flag.

Each version removes one obligation. University had three. We are down to zero. My product roadmap is one slide. It says DEPOSITS.

Version 5.0 will not need the webpage.

The phone was never the product. The deposit was always the product. The flag was the conversion funnel. The name was the close. The terms update was the only deliverable. "Made in the USA" was the positioning until it wasn't and then "American values" was the positioning until that stops working and then we will find new words that mean nothing and those will work too because the words were never the product either.

I am the Head of Product at Trump Mobile. I have never made a phone. I have made $59 million. The product is the transaction. Delivery is a legacy feature from version 1.0 and we deprecated it three versions ago.

[.................. @UVB2002]

@asemota Safaricom has had this reputation for a hot minute..

[.................. @UVB2002]

Latest episode of The boys is eerily time relevant.

[.................. @UVB2002]

Lego trolling is a mode. Who knew..

[.................. @UVB2002]

What's is it called when an alpine divorce happens at sea?

[Mia♡ @luxemiaa]

This woman said: My ex husband left me in the middle of the ocean. We were diving in San Maarten and he left me and swam back to the boat and convinced them I was on the boat. We were exploring a shipwreck and I turned around to find him and he was gone. Came up to the surface, no boat, no land, nothing. I had a compass on my gear so I started swimming. Eventually came upon a catamaran and they took me back to port.

[.................. @UVB2002]

With 2 in between if you don't have all night generator in Lagos.

[sugamummy 🧚🏽‍♀️ @ceraliza]

Are there actually people who shower at night before bed… and then shower again in the morning when they wake up??

[.................. @UVB2002]

😜😜😜

[Mukhtar @I_amMukhtar]

Meanwhile, in America.

Police raided rapper Afroman’s house. They didn’t charge him with anything, but they trashed his home and stole $400.

He captured the raid on CCTV.
He then dropped diss tracks roasting them.

They sued him for defamation, and he won.

[.................. @UVB2002]

@Aunty_Akanke My grandmother maintained the eternal right to ban people from her house, she will shout the ban at you and remind everyone of your status anytime your name comes up that you are banished. Daughters in law, sons in law, neighbors, children, anyone could get it.

[.................. @UVB2002]

@cremechic11 Iya je! I know why you are laughing

[.................. @UVB2002]

@asemota 🤪🤪🤪

[.................. @UVB2002]

Finally watching Derry girls.. my cheeks ache!

[.................. @UVB2002]

@newknitter21 @cessonmute And has found new love.

[.................. @UVB2002]

@EdoVibeQueen Cradle to morgue.

[.................. @UVB2002]

Asked an opinion about some blood test results from chatgpt a while back, moons later asked about setting up some lifestyle adjustment themes.. GPT talking about.. your extreme .... will stop you from etc.. Bitch please, mind your business aunty!

[.................. @UVB2002]

@asemota And we are back to regular programming..

[.................. @UVB2002]

And just like that, it is a Bridgerton weekend .