Elena Balkcom

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

I’ve misplaced a pair of PJ pants and I cried about it today and if either of those things surprises you, then we need to do some basic get-to-know you questions

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

People ask “how many teeth does he have now”?
If I tried to tally teeth I’d lose fingers on my hand okay how are y’all counting toddler teeth

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

Probably obvious to my neighbors that I discovered ForageTok this morning since I just carried a quart of dandelion flowers inside the house

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

I’ve only been a parent 18 months but I think the primary thing we’ll instill in our children is to NOT post to SOCIALS during a HONEYMOON

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

I have whatever brand of anxiety that brushes teeth at noon with bentonite clay and swishes with coconut and oregano oils so teeth can remineralize themselves in the afternoon, which is of course the best time, and will likely keep the fillings at bay….

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

But like what is the purpose of a car wash?

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

Feels like a lot of babies being named Bennett or Everrett. Anybody else?

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

It has been a Monday of many pouches.
Every toddler mom knows what I am talking about.

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

I love a good Monday after a weekend where there were a bunch of weddings for people who have been publicly counting down for months. Relieved for all of you. We made it.

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

Ideal Sunday school for new moms:

10 min in total silence *buffering*
Next 10 min, mainlining coffee and skimming the homework from the previous week.
20 min of content and discussion.
A monitor to the nursery or break to check on baby at halfway point.
Prayer.
Dismiss 5 early.

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

The city of Milledgeville hasn’t had water for 3 days now and we’ve all been conserving but they JUST NOW issued a boil water advisory (why not 3 days ago?) so I think I’ll just take a long, hot shower out of spite for the mishandling of this entire situation.

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

Anyone else at tossed a dish through a window in their parenting journey?

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

Baby slipped on plastic lid so I lobbed lid towards sink with free hand (pumping breastmilk with the other) missed sink, shattered window, so the logical thing was to pour Cheerios on the ground for dog and baby so I can be completely still for about 15 seconds.

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

An invention that overstimulated moms would actually buy: a sippy cup that hits the ground silently

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

Look, re: becoming a mother I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming temptation to buy my child A LIVE BUNNY for Easter okay that’s a terrible idea right yeah a terrible idea

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

Husband just asked the Golden Retriever if it’s pitch-a-fit-o’clock yet

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

No one needs front-loading washers, fake tanning lotion, assault rifles of any kind, yard ornaments that look like large metal sunflowers, or more than one tattoo in a calendar year. Fight me.

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

The fact that my body is making breast milk means that if you and I are sitting on the same couch, I am working 30% harder than you

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

alright why are people still making Instagram accounts for their pets that’s embarrassing

[Elena Balkcom @VN373]

@GoldfishSmiles no more smiles here - bag is empty 😬😬🆘