Waynecro

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

The downside of being sober and health conscious is that it’s difficult to drown your sorrows in lean protein and cruciferous vegetables.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Woman: Why do you have glitter on your face? Have you been at a strip club or something?
Guy: No. I've been eating flamboyant boutique confections in my car again.
Woman: I guess I should be relieved.
Guy: There are flecks of edible gold leaf all over my infotainment system.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

RIP in Peace
Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp
2017 - 2024

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Recruiter: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Guy: I can deadlift 500 pounds.
Recruiter: Cute. At least one candidate makes that same joke every time we hire.
Guy: All those guys probably pull sumo, though.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Guy 1: I watched Death Note for the first time since 2007. It seems pretty unbelievable now.
Guy 2: Because of the Shinigami?
Guy 1: No, because recent events proved that society doesn’t suspect foul play when bizarre heart attacks suddenly start killing tons of healthy people.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

@braintreestudio Is your label hiring an editor? I'm noticing some typos, bro.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

In the present DEI-obsessed corporate world, subtly suggesting that you’re not a straight white male during a job interview is the new version of sliding the hiring manager $100 under your resume.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Lady: Would you rather be stuck in the woods with a woman or a bear?
Guy: A bear.
Lady: What? That’s terrible! Why?
Guy: Because I'm suicidal.
Lady: Oh, thank goodness. For a second there, I thought you were a misogynist.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Guy: How are you doing now that you’re home with your new baby?
Lady: My twiffer is ripped to shreds, my nipples are chewed up, and I'm exhausted.
Guy: You reported a similar condition when you were trying to conceive. That’s kind of funny.
Lady: Shut the fuck up.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Guy 1: How was your weekend? 
Guy 2: I fucked up my back in the gym and had to start walking with a cane. I tripped and kicked the cane, which broke my little toe. 
Guy 1: That sucks! 
Guy 2: At least I got out of mowing the backyard.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Recruiter: Why do you want to work for us?
Me: I’m tired of washing my hair with bar soap.
Recruiter: All you care about is money?
Me: If you want a flowery answer, ask me again when I’m not about to do $16-per-hour manual labor 20 years into my career so I can keep my house.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Someone needs to make a God of War mod in which Kratos is Artie, the Strongest Man in the World, and Atreus is Little Pete.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Guy 1: You're a prude.
Guy 2: I'm really not.
Guy 1: You thought Aerosmith’s "Pink" was about the actual color pink until you were, like, 25.
Guy 2: Honest oversight. Steven Tyler’s a garish guy.
Guy 1: Bro, there’s a cat on the cover of Nine Lives.
Guy 2: What’s your point?

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Guy 1: I’m going to lose weight. What’s your New Year’s resolution?
Guy 2: To survive.
Guy 1: You say that every year.
Guy 2: And you say you’ll lose weight every year. At least one of us is keeping his resolution, you doughy bastard.
Guy 1: I am so full of eggnog right now.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Guy: Roughly 47% of the text in your job post was about inclusivity, so include me by hiring me.
Recruiter: That’s not really what the post meant.
Guy: Then it didn’t convey the intended message—proof that you need a skilled writer like me.
Recruiter: Stop grinning like that.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Lady: Aren’t you worried about everything happening in the world?
Guy: I have my own shit going on.
Lady: Such as?
Guy: There’s a big-ass spider hanging outside my front door.
Lady: That’s scarier than WW3?
Guy: The spider is so big that I initially thought it was a hummingbird.

[Waynecro @WayNecro]

Guy 1: Walking to my car after the concert, I received a rejection email from a job I applied for. It was a real buzzkill.
Guy 2: That sucks. But maybe it’s a good thing that you won’t be working for a company that sends rejections to applicants at 11:00 p.m. on Saturday night.