Will Ferrell

If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

I wasn't that drunk... Dude, You yelled at my dog for not smoking weed, Because you thought he was Snoop Dog.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

I got banned from laser tag today, Apparently you can't use a knife to save ammo.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

I love my relationship with my bed, No commitment needed, We just sleep together every night.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

Girl: Hey what's up?,
Boy: If I tell you, Will you sit on it?

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

That awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are bouncing.... And you're a guy.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

I want my last words to be "Hold my beer and watch this shit."

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

Teacher: Why are at school so early?,
Kid: My mom told me to go to hell.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

Two blind guys were squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they ran off.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

"I got 99 chores & I ain't did one." - Lay Z

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

Dear slut, This may come as a surprise to you but your boobs go INSIDE your shirt.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

That awkward moment when a fat person says "Thats how I roll"

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

That son of a bitch moment when you're walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot...

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

That fail moment when you pull your blankets up & punch yourself in the face.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

Missed a call, Calls back, No answer?, What, Did you die within the last 10 seconds?

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

LAZY RULE: Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in It again?

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

I just saw a baby wearing a t-shirt that said "just did 9 months in solitary confinement."

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

When life gives Lady Gaga lemons... She makes an outfit.

[Will Ferrell @WillFerrellMind]

Ghetto word of the day: Bishop, My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.