Willy's Wisecracks

Some people call me witty, others call me condescending. Whatever... hope you get a chuckle out of it. And you will - if you have any sense of humor at all.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, you follow back. That makes me want to follow you so much more.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, what I wrote on FB was inappropriate? I bet you analyze your own statuses regularly.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Kicking the ice under the fridge just because you're too lazy to pick it up.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Crazy girlfriend + Crazy boyfriend = Bipolar love

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, you like Bacon? That puts you in an exclusive club called 'everyone'.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Am I the only one who thinks a flash mob should contain nudity?

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

RIP Facebook, too many of our parents joined.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, you have more followers than you're following. You must be quite the celebrity.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, you're too good for a minimum wage job? Great 'Legalize it!' shirt and neck tattoo. I agree with you.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

*4am text message* 'Hey are you asleep?' - 'Oh no, I'm scuba diving, what the fuck do you want?'

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

I wish Siri had a breathalyzer test for all texts that send after 1AM.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

No matter what life brings you, take a lesson from your dog.. kick some grass over that shit and move on.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd have farted.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

I'm saving myself from marriage.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, your car has a body kit? It must go extremely fast.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, how much do you work out? No, don't tell me, I'll read it off your shirt.

[Willy's Wisecracks @WillysWisecrack]

Oh, you're going to tell me why you hate that person? Hold on, let me write that down on my list of Shit I Don't Care About.