Wry One

Some say that I'm wry and twisted. I find that to be terribly distasteful. Guess they can't take a joke.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one..what's your plan?

[Wry One @Wry_One]

My age is very inappropriate for my behavior!

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, so you're an engineering major? What business degree did your boss graduate with?

[Wry One @Wry_One]

We'd find more missing kids if we posted their pictures on the T-shirst of large-breasted women instead of milk cartons.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, so you did something dumb and made a fool of yourself? I'll bet saying YOLO will make it all better.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, Bruno Mars came out as gay? How surprising. That's like Oprah coming out as black.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

How's your day going? Haha, I'm just kidding. I don't give a fuck.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, people like to call you from blocked numbers? Answer like this: 'Local sperm bank. You jack it we pack it. How may I help you?'

[Wry One @Wry_One]

That's a lovely shade of slut you're wearing today!

[Wry One @Wry_One]

RT if you always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, I see you're wearing your cut off t-shirt to the gym. I'll bet your muscles didn't fit in those sleeves, right?

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, so you can yell louder than I can? Of course that makes your religious beliefs valid.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, you think you're ugly? You're right, you are.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

The only thing more boring than politics is your opinion about it.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

I wasn't that drunk last night! Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in 'Toy Story.'

[Wry One @Wry_One]

The US is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day!

[Wry One @Wry_One]

When it comes to wine, the glass is a skippable step

[Wry One @Wry_One]

If you don't already hate a lot of people, then the mall is a great place to start.

[Wry One @Wry_One]

When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say 'You hit like a bitch.'

[Wry One @Wry_One]

Oh, Adele uses way too much autotune.