Sam

IP Attorney.

[Sam @Xiraan]

@HeirsMGMT @Twitch Rsvp’d a few days ago—fingers crossed, looks like such an awesome event! Wish the form had more options to specify the industry involvement other than streaming 😅

[Melonbread 🍞 PM PLUSHIE LIVE @MelonbreadFBP]

bro

[Jesse Case @jessecase]

i hate when something i've done for years suddenly becomes popular.

[Qsama bin Johnston @QsamaBJohnston]

A diarrhea outbreak in Ohio? I guess you could call it the “Cleveland Browns”

[Cioccolatodorima (Comms closed atm) @cioccolato_kun]

'Birds toss their bread at thee'
Brutal 😂

[paris martineau @parismartineau]

my proof of life photo with a copy of today’s newspaper has people asking a lot of questions already answered by the proof of life photo with today’s newspaper

[tuna @RoamingTuna]

Nvm
#essieart

[Screenshots from /vt/ 6: Return of the RRATS @vt_takes3]

THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY -🔆

[essie 🐑🌾 @essie_ch]

GOOD MORNING! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS ALL WEEK! LETS GO NORWAY!!!! RO RO RO!!!!!!!

[✨ 𝗗𝗔𝗥𝗞 ✨ Shitposter Detective @TheDarkEnjoyer]

#essie_channel #sheppost

[yaqigi @yqg_yaqigi]

vtubers when they wear fan made assets

[Fantasy Parliament @FtsyParliament]

Insane cheeseburger arbitrage opportunities available at Barcelona airport rn

[Observing The City @observinthecity]

Where is downtown? It's an endless debate. I have made a tool that will finally settle it.

Choose a city, add your definition of downtown, and compare it to the general public. Then share your map on social media!

[olive @puuumkin]

france has been cursed #essieart #worldcup

[Boston @BostonMassUSA]

MBTA = 🥱
MegaBTA = 😍

[Samo @KplSamo]

It was literally meant to be

[Screenshots from /vt/ 6: Return of the RRATS @vt_takes3]

There's no fucking way -👺

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.