Steven

Literally .

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
"Did u just propose using emojis?"
...
"Technically its called a propoji, but yes"
[She's already gone]

[Steven @101Racey]

Sorry, you can't enter heaven. We have footage of you at a concert standing calmly in the middle of a mosh pit.

[Steven @101Racey]

"Hi we're here for Disney on Ice"
*Mickey Mouse pulls off usher suit*
"Looks like you found Disney on VICE! Donald, Goofy. Grab these two."

[Steven @101Racey]

Some people enjoy exploring and heading out into the unknown, wheras today I got lost inside the sleeve of a hoodie.

[Steven @101Racey]

babe u wanna come inside so we can take it to the next level?
*leads her inside*
Ok this is the underwater level Ive been stuck here forever

[Steven @101Racey]

Ever do that thing where you walk into a room then completely forget why you ever agreed to have kids?

[Steven @101Racey]

Oh, your grandma's cooking is "the best" is it? Well why isn't she RUNNING A FUCKING BAKERY KEVIN???

[Steven @101Racey]

*Steve Jobs descends from heaven*

A watch? Guys..no.

[Brendan O'Hare @brendohare]

[in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys

[Steven @101Racey]

*bursts into bank with nerf gun and shoots guard*
THIS IS A ROBBERY NOBODY MOVE!!!
*guard takes out gun*
Dude I got you. Don't be that guy.

[Steven @101Racey]

Die Hard 6: "None of your die hard jokes were funny"

[Steven @101Racey]

Sauce so hot it doesn't follow back on instagram.

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

"Dad, why do you & mom sleep in different beds?"
"Because my dick can still reach hahaha just kidding we don't love each other any more"

[Steven @101Racey]

My whole life is like that time Kevin Costner showed the girl the flooded underwater city on Waterworld, and I'm the kid left on the boat.

[Steven @101Racey]

It may be funny now grandma, but let's see who's laughing when we're hash-tagging every word on your grave stone.

[Steven @101Racey]

Don't even talk to me until I've had my morning heroin fuelled battle with a dragon on a mountain top.

[Steven @101Racey]

Having a tough day? Maybe spare a thought for those who still haven't found a Coke bottle with their name on it yet.

[Steven @101Racey]

You kids wanna ride along on Santa's slay?
Um santa don't you mean slei--
*santa pulls a knife*
I hope none of you are afraid of blood

[Steven @101Racey]

Sword fighting on a mountain top is the second best thing a person can do after drunk sword fighting on a mountain top. Drink up. It's time.

[Steven @101Racey]

Yeah sure kid back in my day we had HD, but of course back then it stood for huge dicks.
*puffs cig*
and we all had 'em.