Blackbird

I am in the second half of my life. My abuser recently died. I am processing my new reality & realizing it's ok to be relieved.

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

When I woke up this morning, I just felt ok. I have a peace in my heart. I love this jubilant feeling!!

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

All my efforts
Over the years
Were not
Wasted
Despite the fact
you never got
Better
Only worse.
All my efforts
Over the years
Made me
Flexible
Strong
Resilient.
This is starting to
Outweigh the
Insecurity
Invisibility
&
Anger.
(243)
#listeninside #knowthyself

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

This gives me
Hope
That your significance
Will shrink down
To miniscule
Proportions,
Making room for
Greatness
To
Bloom
(244)
#personalgrowth #nextsteps

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

Right now
I'm in between.
The tension is
Fading.
My relief spreads,
Soothing my heart,
Calming my soul.
But even that relief
Is slipping away.
How can this be?
Mere months,
After decades of
Abuse,
I almost forget
Why I should be
Relieved
(245)
#healing #free

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

I matter.
My self-protective
Closed stance
Is no longer
Necessary.
Now it is time
For me to
Retrain myself
To be present
& Open.
(246)
#finallysafe #nextsteps #giveitago

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

I matter.
My relief
That you're
Gone
Makes sense.
Guilt has no
Home in my
Heart
I welcome my
Healing
(247)
#guiltfree #mystory

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

I matter
My hurt &fear
Seeping out,
Creeping into
My voice
Despite
My efforts
To conceal
All that I
Feel
(248)
#growingpains

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

Self loathing
Served a purpose
Allowing for the
Unacceptable
To occur.
It made me
Believe
I didn't
Deserve better.
But now,
It's holding me
Back
In ways I neither
Can,
Nor will,
Accept
(249)
#upfromhere

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

With squinting eyes
& A fluttering heart
I strain to see past
my weaknesses
Character flaws
& draw into focus
My strengths:
Patient & flexible
Clear and concise
Better yet
Hardworking and giving
These are the characteristics
I'm digging out
Of the rubble
250

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

I'm petrified
That as I
Begin the
Process of
Thawing out
My permafrost
Self
I'm not going
To like
Who I am:
Insecure & timid
Snappy & snide
Worse yet,
Lazy & selfish.
These are the
Characteristics
Beginning to
Rise
From the dust.
(251)
#imperfectly #flawed

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

I put my needs on
Pause
Making myself
Shrink away.
It wasn't intentional
It just kind if happened
Like that.
As I press
Play
To try to
Listen
To my voice
Inside,
I'm straining
To hear anything
Besides
Static & echoes
(252)
#knowthyself #listeninside

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

Shel Silverstein with words of wisdom:

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

Making meaning
Of all this.
There was none.
There is none.
A lack of significance
Frees me.
(253)
#significance

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

My inner bitch
Is not actually
A bitch.
She knows when to
Stand up.
Unapologetic &
Strong.
She protected me
All these years.
To her, I say:
"Thank you"
With all the tenderness
I have been hiding
Inside.
(254)
#mypower #unbroken

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

My inner coward
Is not actually
A coward.
She knows when
To be
Cautious,
Observant
& Gentle.
She has protected me
All these years.
To her, I say:
"THANK YOU!"
With all the boldness
I have been holding
Inside.
(255)
#mypower #unbroken

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

I learned when it was necessary
To stand firmly on the
Knowledge that
I was right and
Under no obligation
To prove it
To you.
And that if I just kept
Consistently doing
What I knew was right,
You'd eventually
Burn
Yourself
Out.
(256)
#lookingback #finallysafe

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

The child in me
Needs to be seen,
To know that
I matter.
The adolescent in me
Wants to slam the door,
To pretend that
It doesn't matter.
The adult in me
Knows I have everything
I need
The time, the grace
To muddle through
This muck
(257)
#growth #doingit

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

I always assumed
It was obvious
That I was
Damaged goods.
Unimportant
Incapable
Wrong.
Come to find out,
That was not true.
I am none of
Those things.
(258)
#notdamaged #noshame

[Blackbird @40Blackbird]

When you died,
The feeling that
Your failure
Was actually
Mine,
Took my breath away.
But now I get that my success
Is that you didn't take anybody
With you,
When you died.
(259)
#whosefailure #itsover #sociopath