Sam

patron of the flavorable

[Sam @5amBrown]

She blow tar? That’s wicked, Mr. Jones. Maybe cut out the tobacco aha

[Sam @5amBrown]

*older guy in a Trader Joe’s hoodie taking a drag of a cigarette outside the gas station* “man I was everybody’s best friend”

[Sam @5amBrown]

Twitter should have a draft night just like major sports where everyone posts their drafts once a year how about it

[Sam @5amBrown]

*in seinfeld’s bit voice* if you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, George

[Sam @5amBrown]

Telling the golden doodle with a fake vest on “thank you for your service”

[Sam @5amBrown]

Eye doctor? Yeah, I sure hope you are

[Sam @5amBrown]

This mf next to me on the train is really scratching their head over a word search maybe covid did irreparable numbers to us

[Sam @5amBrown]

Ok so turns out someone found a way to put baby in a corner. Now baby’s back is to the wall. Now baby needs his baba

[Sam @5amBrown]

Are you a witch and you’re cursing me with spells and stones?? Because legally you have to tell me if you’re a witch and you’re cursing me with spells and stones.

[Sam @5amBrown]

@josephinehh “Used to” as if this were to exist solely in the past and not every single time it’s brought up

[Sam @5amBrown]

@LauraJeanSings Great start on this one

[Sam @5amBrown]

@thomaskuklenski So how many crows were there

[Sam @5amBrown]

Seeing an IKEA label at the bottom of a glass in a restaurant really breaks my immersion

[Sam @5amBrown]

So as someone who doesn’t like to talk a lot I’ll cite this as a regression

[Sam @5amBrown]

Somewhere down the line of our ever-evolving English lexicon we started using hyperboles far too often which diluted meanings of a slew of words so now we’re left to say things like “her face card would grant access to the Pentagon” rather than saying someone’s pretty

[Sam @5amBrown]

Going Severance mode at work (forgetting everything that happens during the day so I can have a pleasant evening)

[Sam @5amBrown]

I have a sneaking suspicion that a really cool mug could positively alter the course of my life

[Sam @5amBrown]

If there’s one thing I always do and will be doing forever is retiring to my study. Can’t keep me away

[Sam @5amBrown]

My version of doomscrolling is looking through pictures of old beautiful nyc buildings that have been turned into a sweetgreen

[Sam @5amBrown]

Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John comes on and my zanyness activates like a sleeper agent