5th Staal Brother

My four brothers are all professional hockey players. I'm not. I've been excommunicated from the Staal family. This is my shame. (This isn't real...)

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

This is sadly not surprising. My brothers have repeatedly told me they can't let me in the house, even when it's raining, because of their Christian beliefs

[Tim Reynolds @ByTimReynolds]

Eric and Marc Staal statement …

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

One year, on free agency day, my family told me they were allowing me to come into their house for a warm meal. Then they snuck out the back door and set the place on fire. I lost my eyebrows

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

The thing about signing me as a free agent is that, despite having no professional experience, I'm willing to be paid in gum and kindness. And the kindness is negotiable
#NHL #FreeAgency #FreeAgent

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

Meanwhile, the hole I live in was taken over by a groundhog. I can see him eating my last potato

[Bob McKenzie @TSNBobMcKenzie]

Marc Staal to FLA, one year, $750K. Eric Staal to FLA on PTO.

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

Does anyone know how to get tear stains out of a soul?

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

My brothers hate me

[Carolina Hurricanes @Canes]

Story time 📖

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

Today my dad came over and told me that I was invited to dinner. I got really excited until he came at me with a carving knife

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

Once I asked my mother when she would love me. She said "at 2:30am on the day that daylight savings time begins." I stayed up and cried as the clock went right from 2 to 3. In the distance, I heard her laughing

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

@pghguyinva 123 Tearstained Dr.
Thunder Bay, Ontario

But you can't send stuff through regular mail to that address, because it's not so much an address as it is "a hole in the ground that used to be the cow's toilet"

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

@pghguyinva I'm not okay. I'm far from okay. I spent the winter living in a damp refrigerator box alongside two raccoons and a family of rats. It was the closest I've ever had to a family. And then they left. One of the raccoons took my socks.

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

When my parents were asked to describe me in two words, they said "Not ours"

[The Athletic NHL @TheAthleticNHL]

In honor of Marc Staal hitting game No. 1,000 tonight, the @DetroitRedWings asked their players to describe him in two words.

The responses didn't disappoint😂

🎥 @DetroitRedWings

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

They made me take this photo of them. When I cried, they said I should be grateful to even be standing in the same room as the "real brothers"

[NHL @NHL]

From their backyard rink in Thunder Bay, Ontario, to 1,000 career games in the NHL — Marc Staal joins an elite group tonight! https://t.co/iKBDBSZJd3

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

Whenever I see a player get picked in the #NHLDraft, I think about how excited I was when mom picked me - over all all my brothers - to hold that large metal pole outside in a lightning storm

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

@pghguyinva

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

@pghguyinva

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

You can't violate my HIPAA rights because, as my parents told me every day growing up, I have no rights and I'm nothing.

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

I wish I had a home.

[Carolina Hurricanes @Canes]

Win the Central Division, move us back to the Metro ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

@pghguyinva

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

Today everyone is talking about how the Cleveland baseball team changed its name. But no one ever talks about how I don't even know my name because my parents burned my birth certificate.

[5th Staal Brother @5thStaal]

The raccoons have reclaimed the space under Old Man Stephenson's deck where I was staying. Their tiny teeth are so sharp.

But it was nice to feel something for the first time in a while...