Triton

[Triton @A1Bahr]

i will push through it. i will try harder.
ppl i love still believe in me trust in me, even if i cant find the strength to do it for myself rn, i will do it for them.
just hope i dont give up.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

tryin to leave my job to destress. locked into a contract thou, idk if its even possible.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

abt two years ago i developed chronic hypertension and almost had a seizure cause of her. tryin to help her.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

arguin with mom this mornin. she mocked my memory loss and said im not right in the head.
u know, maybe she is right. my chest is full of scars, my memories are slippin without me knowin. i dont know what is true anymore,
maybe im in no position to make any decisions rn.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

havent had an actual good sleep i think since wednesday.
man i really need some sleep, not this 5 minute coma.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

i love u dad

[Triton @A1Bahr]

so many easy escapes, not as many ways out. it takes zero effort, just a delusion.
ngl a bottle of cheap vodka sounds good rn.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

strong willpower thou.
neighbor downstairs is a dealer, liquor store under my apartment. i literally have liters of alcohol sittin beside my desk for motherboard repairs.
an escape is so easy but i fukin know if i took one sip its over.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

mom saw my scar and took joy in hinting she will expose me using it as leverage. my dad is old and cares too much, he literally cant take it, and my brothers are goin through a brutal time rn. my friends would only involve my family.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

i think im losing myself, this time feels like there is no coming back. wishing for someone to hold my hands but at last i dont want anyone involved.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

i wont drag anyone with me, so im gonna suffer alone. i always did, i done it before, i think i can do it again.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

part of me keeps me living out of spite for myself. not lettin me get mercy that easily.
living is a sentence. existing to only feel pain.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

i wanted to cry but couldnt not even a single tear

[Triton @A1Bahr]

part of me is refusin to believe any of that. it breaks the narrative i built.
poor kid me if he could see us now.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

its odd but whenever i try to remember any good deeds i done, i just cant, except very few things i have physical proof of. yet every single mistake stays. wonderin if i actually done anythin good.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

visited dad. he told me when i was a kid, i used to come home every week without my jacket cause i kept givin them away to someone in need. said i always told him when i grew up and made money, i will give it to people who needed it.
its weird hearin that and kinda retarded ngl.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

i been really strugglin the past few weeks, every single day, every second. and i dont see it gettin better.
i dont know what to do anymore.
maybe its the fuckin writin, maybe diggin into all of this shit is makin it worse, i dont know.

[Triton @A1Bahr]

it isnt my first time going throu it. but this time feels fuckin hard.
i remembered too much yet not all of it.