Jeremy Newton

If everything goes according to plan......

[Hank Green @hankgreen]

Can you believe any of this? I cannot.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

@JustinMcElroy I mean, what if you just didn’t have to one-up yourself every year. I feel a massive sense of relief for him, but also profound disappointment that a piece of internet culture has come to a close. I get it, but I wish it wasn’t so.

[Justin “Hoops” McElroy @JustinMcElroy]

imagine, I mean IMAGINE that you accidentally create an international internet holiday, and the singular act of observance of this holiday is consuming a short film you have created that must exponentially improve on the film that came before.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

How many interior designers does it take to a change lightbulb?

Well, they won’t ever agree on what temperature it should be.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

It’s crazy to me the moon landing was over 50 yrs ago and there has been only 12 people that have been to the moon. Only 4 are still living, who are all older than 80. It’s entirely posible that the 4 surviving moon walkers will die before another human sets foot on the moon.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

@nathantb Real footage of me an hour ago.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

My wife: No, you can’t just clean everything by spraying it.

Me: Haha power washer go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

Y’all still worried more about her emails than his “jokes” - that don’t really sound like jokes. Y’all still proud of your vote 3.5 years later?

He’s already killed at least one by “joking” about treatments and then he mentions injecting disinfectant. Irresponsible & murderous.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

Number of times my cats have been harmed, attacked, or threatened by a trash bag: 0

Number of times my cats have run terrified from a new, unopened trash bag: Every.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

I’m claiming this as my band name, for my future band of data analysts, data archtects, and sys admins.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

DROP (DATABASS);

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

Having been an analyst for a few years now and not many people really understanding what I do, the non-racial job-related conflicts depicted in Hidden Figures is probably the closest thing people will really get. Katherine Johnson was a hero to her country and her job.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

The 2010s weren’t always easy. I made plenty of mistakes and had to learn some lessons the hard way. I had plenty of help. There were people who paved my way to achievements. Here at the end, I feel like I crushed what 2019 brought me and I’m ready to smash 2020.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

A story of a pregnant couple traveling to their hometown only to find all the hotels full and Airbnb-ing it in a barn has become surprisingly realistic again.

If the stable in the Christmas story existed today, it probably would have a one star review by a couple of wise guys.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

Clock: it’s midnight
Lights: off
My wife: been asleep for the past 2hrs
Garfield the cuddly cat: snuggled into his heated bed
Me: in bed
Everything else:

Lemon the trash cat: IT’S PLAYTIME!! WHY IS NO ONE PLAYING WITH ME!?!

🙄

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

Oh snap, I’m at 43 books read this year. I’m 9 books away from having a book a week. I wasn’t trying but now I have to.

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

Here I am, just watching some YouTube, being shown an ad for tanks. Wait, what?

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

According to one of three days I paid attention in my humanities course, it was common in epics to describe the main hero with a short phrase afterwards, “Odysseus, his mind teeming”. About once of year since I’ve wondered what my phase would be:

Jeremy, his ____ ____

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

We all have our own personal Disneyland - a magical place that we beg the universe to visit and cry when we leave.

My cat’s is the garage. :/

[Jeremy Newton @AJNewton]

Nobody:
My wife, 17 days into the school year:
I miss summer.

Me: it’s gonna be a long year.