ALEX

Explaining employer benefits by day, explaining myself the rest of the time. I live inside the Internet, basically.

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Pig wearing new hat today! Different than cowboy hat! Very fun, love to have pig!

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Gonna try to go to Fyre Festival this year, I hope they cleared up all the big issues and we can all just relax and enjoy some fine sandwiches.

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Everybody keeps offering me "finishing sauces"

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Want to create your very own superhero? Here's how: put a cape on a lizard, then I don't really know figure out the rest on your own.

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

This was a bad idea his hooves busted up the keyboard really bad, sorry to end this early it's just...keyboards are really expensive (I have a mechanical keyboard like a hacker, they're like $200).

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

p

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

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[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

fasd afsd932322 676hjuybbnjooooooo

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Promised my pet pig I'd let him do a "Twitter takeover" so here we go: the rest of the day is just gonna be my pig straight up Tweeting his thoughts. I won't be helping him type, just leaving him with the keyboard and letting him have at it. See you tomorrow, Twitter!

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Someone emailed me a challenge to eat 100 bugs today. Well guess what, mom: challenge accepted

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

The saddest 6 word short story you'll ever read: "Hot dog on sale how many"

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

jerry orbach net worth

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Hot foraging tip: Chanterelle season is in full swing, baby! Just watch out for those poisonous Chanterelle lookalikes. The way you can identify them is that they look exactly like Chanterelles except they're poisonous! #yolo

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Checked after my tweet yesterday and there's a real life Potato World in Canada, once again proving my theory that Canada is obsessed with potatoes: https://t.co/rFVCgwbHtC

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Tater tots are the raspberries of the potato world.

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Odd that as the humidity approaches that of standing in my shower, I do not smell better.

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

In lieu of a photo I used a neural network to generate a realistic photo of my new pig based on words that describe him like "Happy," "with sunglasses," "cowboy hat," and "isolated on white."

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

I keep trying to take a photo of my new pig but that thing bolts to another room every time it sees a camera. Pig and I are very similar in this way.

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

To clarify, my mom could afford to buy a pig, she just wasn't willing to commit to the risk. Pig ownership isn't a simple thing, this isn't some common "dog" or "boa constrictor."

[ALEX @ALEXOffTheClock]

Congrats to me, I bought a pet pig today! My mom is going to be so supremely jealous when I tell her I finally realized the dream she never could.