Lumplestiltzken

Teacher. Poet. Frier of Food.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Teetering between hysterical laughter and shouts of murderous rage every time the airport makes that generic “wear a face covering” announcement while nearly everyone sitting at this gate is casually unmasked.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

#Donda is really just another album separating those who were just regular hyper-emotional teenage Kanye fans from those of us who grew up to have diagnosable disorders 😂.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Owning/carrying a gun is EITHER a right so inviolable that even school shootings can’t shake it OR something so heinous that “he had a gun” is justifiable reason to be shot by the police. Can’t be both.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Shout out to whoever changed the light bulbs in my office. I no longer look disheveled and pale in my meetings.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Not a riot. An attempted coup. Not protestors. Domestic terrorists. Language matters.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Every day it’s more and more apparent to me that I’m the trash friend in all of my relationships.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Starting over is hard.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Speaking of voices: 10th Grade. That horrible French accent for a show we toured to elementary schools. An entire generation of folks that will not see Paris because some arrogant 15-year-old refused to take direction.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

1st Grade: I didn't do the voices when Ms. Heard asked me to read the end of Charlotte's Web to the class. Did I rob them of the potential for a love of literature? What if Nathaniel doesn't read for pleasure right now because I did Wilbur in my regular voice?

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Also no. I don't attend bonfires. Which could also be a thing that I consider a mistake later on in my life.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

I also wonder what life would have been like if I didn't quit the cello. Like. Everybody thinks breaking out a guitar at the bonfire is the move. What would you even do if I came fully prepared to channel Yo-Yo Ma for the singalong?

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Also a mistake: playing catch with Pop the day of the award ceremony. Took a fastball to the eyebrow and had to accept the awards with a knot on my forehead.

Sidebar mistake: not consistently playing catch with the homies post-college. 'Twas relaxing.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Being "gifted" sounds all well and good until you're up at night contemplating what would have happened if you'd just let Jarius when the highest average awards in 2nd grade when they mattered to him and did not matter to you at all.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

I feel like the just picture kids are perfectly well-adjusted adults with good jobs and loving families, and aren't necessarily on social media at midnight talking about their poor choices.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Awake and contemplating every poor decision I've made since the age of about 4. Like. Did I really have to stunt on my class like that and be the only kid with a lined journal for words instead of just blank pages for pictures?

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Y’all it’s the end times for real. @ChickfilA messed up my order.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

Someone just told me that it would be "faster to mail in the form than to handle it electronically because of all the server issues".

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

I'm on hold with the DMV while my kid improvises a keyless, tuneless song about Corona to her dolls at the top of her lungs. In case you were wondering what's got me questioning my life choices this morning.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

I cannot express how exhausting it is that the most "routine" experience I've had during quarantine is watching my Timeline flooded with news/video of a murdered Black man and a justice system refusing to do anything about it.

[Lumplestiltzken @ALump]

I’m the kind of friend that will stalk your exes for you, just in case you start taking about “missing” and “going back”, I can provide historical AND up to date examples of how trash they are.