It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario?

Please don't tell people how I live

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

When cute folk post a cute profile pic, but you don't wanna be the creep who likes it first

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

You know how the song goes: I got two phones one for the plug and one for my heart monitor to keep track of any palpation I may have in this 14-day period.

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

My childhood hero killed himself.
So, yeah, no, my mental health is doing great, thanks.

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

Just call me Haley Joel Osment, cause everyone I talk to turns out to be a ghost

[Molly🎧🏳️‍🌈 @RasberryRazz]

One of the perks of working at the cinema are free movies except for Disney which it threatens to remove its movies from the theater if an employee sees one of their films during opening month for free. We had to wait a month or buy a ticket to see a Disney film. Pure greed.

[brando uchiha @imhighkeycool]

Thank god he save that cat lmao

[Lynda Carter @RealLyndaCarter]

Come on...
Keanu Reeves is like one of those frozen cakes. Nobody doesn't like him!

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

Me: all animals are beautiful creatures and we just need to share our planet
Also me:

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

It's all well and good. But where's my +44 reunion?

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

Camping is just homeless cosplay, and my heritage is not your costume

[Ariel Elias @Ariel_Comedy]

Mostly jealous that the UK can take 6 weeks to realize that they've made a mistake but women in the US can't.

[ᴘᴀᴠʟᴏᴠ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏʀɢɪ @PAVGOD]

spooky https://t.co/oOJMUqjDkC

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

No one told me how tough it is to find a good brush for my hair. They leave that out of the lesson plans, don't they

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

Hell hath no anxiety like closing all tabs

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

Dating apps are so magical

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

I matched with a girl on bumble. She asked me to add her on snapchat. But the snapchat handle she gave didn't match the snapchat handle in her profile NOR her name at all. When I called her out, she called me gay and unmatched

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

0 days since our last nonsense

[It's, uhhh, me? uhhhhh, Mario? @A_Sasso_Nation]

Excited to spend the next few years explaining that this is not a Misfits shirt
#soaretheworms #itysl

[bt @b__________t]

this monkey is so important to me hes like my family