Aaron Cully Drake

Author of Do You Think This Is Strange, available now in stores --

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

50 is the age after which you have to accept that you're never going to be bitten by a radioactive spider.

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

I've been listening to Dolly Parton; that Jolene sounds like a jerk and if her man can't see that she's better of without him.

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Big dogs that are afraid of little dogs because they live in a house ruled by a cat so anything the size of a cat must be the boss

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

I am now at the age where, when I fall down, nobody laughs.

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

I just bought a Geiger counter today. I feel guilty about dropping $70 on something I'll never use. Then I remembered that I'm a grown-ass man and I have it in me to buy geiger counters or buy heroin, so I guess I'm making some pretty good life decisions these days

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

A sign that you're too tired: you spend two minutes staring at the word "smaller" because, for whatever reason, you're no longer sure if that's the way it's spelled, and now you're wondering why you posted it in the first place. #smaller #smallerhashtag #itlooksweirdnowdoesntit

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

WWII was a cautionary tell in more ways than one. In Germany, before war started, there were far more good people than bad people. So Germany didn't do what it did because it was infested with evil. It wasn't. It's just that the good people did nothing about it.

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Good is defined by what you do to the future. Evil is defined by what you do to the now

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Stupid airport security doesn't recognize the need for emotional support bongs

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Science Fiction is when there is never any mention of bathrooms with plasma disposal of waster. Fantasy is when there is never any mention of outhouses.

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

For those of you looking for yet another reason to feel old, this tweet is now eight years old

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

For those of you looking for yet another reason to feel old, as of today the movie Hot Tub Time Machine is five years old.

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Imagine the horror of being a Starbucks barista having to write someone's name correctly on the coffee cup when they tell you their name is catherine. Is that with a C or a K? An E or a Y? Does it have one of those click sounds in it like a bushman from the plains of Serengeti?

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

I am working very hard on my listening skills so that, when my wife tells me something for a second time, I will be less surprised

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

I have relatives going to Disneyland for Christmas. They plan to take their two children on the ride It's A Small World 'cause, you know, abuse.

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Reasons why DieHard is a Christmas Movie
- travelling long distances to visit relatives that you immediately start arguing with
- attending an out of control Christmas party featuring people with low impulse control

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Hey @BMO , what's your policy on phoning someone every single day - sometimes twice - before you finally listen to us telling you that you have the wrong phone number and it's kinda like you're just harassing us now?

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

The Alps is very reminiscent of the Kootenays, only angrier

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Nothin says "I know a guy who knows a guy" like track pants and a neck tattoo

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

Beware the Ides of November

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

What if we ALL changed our names to Elon Musk?

[Aaron Cully Drake @AaronCullyDrake]

1 month into my Duolingo subscription and I can now confidently say "I eat an apple on an elephant" but don't know how to say "When would I ever need to use this sentence?"