After Birth

@TheOnion’s definitive guide to parenting. Avoid your children by reading about how to raise them.

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Report: U.S. Parents’ Top Concern Is Child Dying From Something They Could Be Blamed For https://t.co/XUqR7VyDTx

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Here are some tips for discussing the often difficult topic of divorce with your child: https://t.co/WvDqK4IxFG

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Step 1: Prospective parents try and fail to produce children the way God intended. https://t.co/YFIjH382H5

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

How To Adopt A Child https://t.co/4DxQsIJfer

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Supportive Parents Encourage Child’s Interests In Anything Within 15-Minute Drive https://t.co/ova1RCK4px

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CON: Kids actually pretty awful to be around for more than a few minutes at a time https://t.co/OdgL2GKNm9

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

PRO: Only way to prevent your children from being abducted, molested, and then murdered https://t.co/XxImEzHeb0

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CON: Much less cool than the phrase sounds https://t.co/QaQxy6ctPg

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

PRO: Forgot how fun it is to build toothpick molecules https://t.co/gHvrvGC9FI

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting https://t.co/88k46Zuu06

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child: https://t.co/byKq0QKlJW

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Here are some tips for having “the talk” with your kids: http://t.co/IKqxX4BqGx

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father http://t.co/gT2kVL64px

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Demystify death by inviting your child to assist in the embalming process http://t.co/D3eHjr2Vji

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health: http://t.co/bdAInJI8yh

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Nation’s Pregnant Women Announce Discovery Of Comfortable Sitting Position http://t.co/u59UOFsDmp

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today http://t.co/v5L3jGOJ3Y

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Parents, Baby, Godmother All Uncomfortable With Arrangement

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids: http://t.co/yMcVBlrU05

[After Birth @AfterBirth]

Toddler Unsettled By Whatever Possessed Her To Bite Friend’s Face http://t.co/b4486os0Ne