Alan Machnik

Fired from Ann Summers after getting Chas & Dave to help do a stock take.

Debut novel now available:

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

I've discovered that standing naked at your window helps to deter Trick or Treaters.

No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

It seems reasonable that an Australian Taxi Driver's salary is a fared income.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

Our microwave is a real humdinger.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

My abacus has been broken on countless occasions.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

@O2 Why isn't my O2 priority access to Def Leppard tickets at the OVO Hydro working? It tells me presale is happening, but I have no buy tickets option. I have tried numerous times from 10am

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

What's the most dangerous dessert in the world?

Russian Roulade.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

#NewProfilePic

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

@DailyMail https://t.co/aDtzKQeG9L

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

My conspiracy theory for today is that a Freddo bar used to look like Jabba the Hutt, but now they look like Han Solo in Carbonite...#Cadbury #StarWars 🤔

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

@MetroUK https://t.co/aDtzKQeG9L

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

My conspiracy theory for today is that a Freddo bar used to look like Jabba the Hutt, but now they look like Han Solo in Carbonite...#Cadbury #StarWars 🤔

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

@SkyNews https://t.co/aDtzKQeG9L

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

My conspiracy theory for today is that a Freddo bar used to look like Jabba the Hutt, but now they look like Han Solo in Carbonite...#Cadbury #StarWars 🤔

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

My conspiracy theory for today is that a Freddo bar used to look like Jabba the Hutt, but now they look like Han Solo in Carbonite...#Cadbury #StarWars 🤔

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

If you need to clean your 'bunch of fives', try using a knuckle duster.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

I'm giving up the David Bowie chocolate-diet. I'm just not enjoying a life on Mars, or the fact I can eat Heroes, just for one day. I'm taking it all back to the man who sold the Twirl.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

The first taxi firm was based in a log cabin.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

There weren't any thrones or famous chairs in the Star Wars movies, apart from the Rattan of the Jedi.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

The reason you can't hear a dog whistle is that they can't pucker their lips.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

What do cars and babies have in common?

They both have rear wipers.

[Alan Machnik @Alan_Machnik]

Coming to a cinema near you, starring Matt Damon and Alan Titchmarsh...