Alex DeWitt

Fitness guru

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

I’m always confused how on Amazon Prime, ‘Knocked Up’ isn’t listed under Immigrant Stories.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Back to the Future, except Marty finds himself in 1980’s Boston and is just chased around by the Wahlbergs the entire movie.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

To all the Toronto tings out there, hold your mandems tight tonight 😢

#WorldSeries

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

If you’ve never fantasized about taking on a gang of Triads in an underground parking lot, all on your own, while “X Gon Give It To Ya” plays in the background… are you even an Alpha Male?

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Ozzy Osbourne and Hulk Hogan have passed away within 48 hours. Please don’t give us the “white people have no culture” thing. Not this week.

R.I.P.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Someone brought their 3 year old to 28 Years Later. So glad people are getting back to the movies.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Footlocker employee: Sorry, we only have this pair in red. Is that okay?

Me: No thank you, I’m Crip.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

CrossFit training ads are like:

“Are you trying to get in shape? Do you happen to live next to a junkyard?”

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

When you think about it, pool cleaning’s one of the few jobs you get paid to wish you were really in a porno.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Gerard Butler is just Mel Gibson after a Snickers.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Movies will literally be about an unemployed, gay man with terminal illness confronting the father that left him, and just be titled “Pittsburgh”.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

@TuckerCarlson Vs. @jordanbpeterson: Vol. 4
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#comedy #funny #Trump

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

“Call me Cis-male.”

- Moby Dick in 2025

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

I can’t escape this feeling that if Britney Spears and Kanye met, it would be like the Gatekeeper/Keymaster situation from Ghostbusters.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

I heard Kanye’s wife is changing her name to “Yeva Braun”.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Lee Harvey Arm-Swole

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

You think Nas bought a lottery ticket last night?

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

There needs to be an open mic circuit for podcasters. If you’ve been doing it for less than a year, you get 5 minutes to speak… That’s it… Leave the studio apartment now.

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Having friends in the Hardcore scene is such a gift this time of year. Everyone’s Spotify Wrapped is “Taylor Swift, Drake etc.” Theirs reads:

1. Stalin’s Uterus
2. Roseanne Barr and the Catcallers
3. Mother Theresa Dont B Shy
4. Opioid Hard-on
5. Stephen Baldwins Last Stand

[Alex DeWitt @AlexDeWitt15]

Jake Paul: “I’m about to give Mike Tyson the most memorable fight of his career.”

Evander Holyfield: “Hold my ear.”