Alex

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Remember...
Remember when I was real fast.
When I was a sperm.

I remember the big race like it was yesterday.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

No tears my ass. Shit was like acid

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

A dolphin cannot frown it can only smile.

That fucker can be getting slaughter and it still smiles.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

That moment when one of your servers fails because of a corrupted certificate. It scared the shit out of me.
Took me an hour to fix

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Mental midget.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Signing a record deal. 😂

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Oh how times change.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

That moment you lose a chip in the dip and send another recon chip to the rescue and that chip breaks.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
"Ya, don't eat bacon, you'll get so much cancer", said one pink scientist.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

[Job interview]

"How would you describe yourself?"

"I'd use the appropriate adjectives."

"Anything else?"

"Over-literal sometimes."

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Was walking down the street think no one was behind me so I let a ripe jucy one out, and the group of girls behind me said ewwww.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

GENIE: you have 3 wishes

ME: i wish for one more wish

GENIE: um...ok...your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes!

ME: aweso- wait... what!

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word "Let's".

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Vet: "I can see the head…

…here's the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it's a giraffe!"

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

How about I hold a toaster over you while you're in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn't make me drop it.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

[1st date]

Her: I really like PETA

Me: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

My favorite part of the lion king is when Nicki Minaj held up baby simba.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

FB now let's you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

[Interview room]
Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: you ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

[Alex @AlexMysterLOL]

Long loooong man!