Alexa

[Chuck Francis @cfisonline]

if you drive drunk tonight you a bitch

[Zion @zionszzn]

I would pick my Mom to be my Mom again and again in every lifetime.

[Ms.Criminister @Curryfidat]

Not to sound like an old wench but I cannot stand everything being digitized

[Margaret E Atwood @MargaretAtwood]

Here's a piece of literature by me, suitable for seventeen-year-olds in Alberta schools, unlike -- we are told -- The Handmaid's Tale. (Sorry, kids; your Minister of Education thinks you are stupid babies.)

John and Mary were both very, very good children. They never picked their noses or had bowel movements or zits. They grew up and married each other, and produced five perfect children without ever having sex. Although they claimed to be Christian, they paid no attention to what Jesus actually said about the poor and the Good Samaritan and forgiving your enemies and such; instead, they practised selfish rapacious capitalism, because they worshipped Ayn Rand. (Though they ignored the scene in The Fountainhead where “welcomed rape” is advocated, because who wants to dwell, and also that would have involved sex and would de facto be pornographic. Well, it kind of is, eh?) Oh, and they never died, because who wants to dwell on, you know, death and corpses and yuk? So they lived happily ever after. But while they were doing that The Handmaid’s Tale came true and Danielle Smith found herself with a nice new blue dress but no job. The end.

[trash jones @jzux]

i love finding out a person my age is already divorced. like damn bro you lapped me

[Adam Mahler @MahlerAdam]

I was a lifeguard while in HS. For 3 years I guarded at a local pond. You have no idea how incensed I am watching this video where there is a clear active drowning victim. This should result in lawsuits and jail time for the people responsible. #CrossFit

[Nina Turner @ninaturner]

Don’t tell me the economy is doing well when eggs are $5 and people can’t afford rent.

[Mowgli @Holy_Mowgli]

who decided to “spring forward” at 2 a.m. on the weekend. we should do it at 4 p.m. on a monday

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

Never be afraid of change.

Except climate change. That shit's gonna kill you.

[Alexa @Alexa_L_S]

Mom: f*ck you my child is completely fine Me: so starved for affection that I cried when the lady working in the drive thru called me sweetheart

[Alexa @Alexa_L_S]

The highlight of my week was being asked if I wanted a throat swap or the nasal swab for my COVID test

[Christina Pilon-Hodder @_chrissy_12]

My left TITTIE is much smaller than my right... and i am SICK OF IT

[angie @teaxtarot]

Fuck covid I miss the nice drunk girls in the bathroom

[Alexa @Alexa_L_S]

I just love a evil henchmen with anxiety

[worm on the sidewalk please place back on grass ty @w0rmn]

consistently failing at guessing the viscosity of hand sanitizers in store entrances

[alya ✨ @alyagabriele]

i was today years old when i found out “thou shall not use the lord’s name in vain” is meant for people who use religion to justify malicious deeds and not just swearing “oh my god” like I learned when I was a kid

[abdul 🌌📷 @Advil]

worst part about quarantine is i keep forgetting to eat. i just realized it was 3:45 PM and all i've had was water and coffee 😫

[Genie Bouchard @geniebouchard]

not complaining, but i feel like quarantine would be a lot more fun with a boyfriend