Ali Eichler

Professional at eating while driving

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

RIP Icarus, you would’ve loved Taco Bell

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

I’ve done a lot of growing up in the past 2 1/2 years. You can’t fucking stop me from making banana bread now. I’m eating banana bread every damn day of the week.

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

I’ll really save half rotted bananas and say “oh perfect for banana bread” as if I’ve ever just randomly made banana bread before

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Ideally I like to start my mornings with a 15 minute meditation and hot tea. I can’t give any pointers because I’ve never done that in my life but ideally I would.

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

I fucking hate when it’s time to pay the piper. Literally the worst time.

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

This is my official list of things that can cure any ailment:
-hydrogen peroxide, bacitracin, and a bandaid
-two hotdogs
-listening to Vienna by Billy Joel 6-7 times in a row
-good cold school water fountain water
-McDonald’s Diet Coke and fries

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Became a teacher so I can have a captive audience for my jokes

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Starting a new job tomorrow so I’m setting my alarm extra early so I have time to throw up like a totally normal person with nothing wrong with them at all

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Every single disaster in my house starts with me saying “well how hard could it possibly be?” Followed by some sort of culinary crime against humanity

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

The Paul family ❤️

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

This that centuries old curse kinda hot. Someone better carry Madam Zeroni up that damn mountain right now, I’m not playing.

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Hi I just want it to be known that kimchi cured my acid reflux. I’ve been taking acid reflux meds since I was like 15. Recently got addicted to kimchi. Zero acid reflux. Cured.

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

King Trump ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Don’t worry I explained it very well

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Before you get into any sort of argument with a Tr*mp supporter just ask them to define bicameral real quick. I’m realizing a lot of these people don’t have like a 5th grade level of understanding about how our govt functions. Like schoolhouse rock level of understanding.

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Very real interaction I had with someone WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE
“And like what does the senate even do? Like I know what congress does but what is the Senate?”
……….
BABE
THAT IS CONGRESS

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Honestly why stop at some books, let’s ban all do them and then one day Junie b jones will be considered like an ancient holy text

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

Can’t stop thinking about what the Kennedy cousins group chat must look like
“Sorry yall, can’t make it to grandpa’s thing tonight, dads making us drag a deer carcass through Arlington :(“

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

I think we should move Election Day to a time of year that doesn’t have much going on. It’s really hard to think about buying Christmas presents when democracy is on the line

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

My favorite thing about myself is my undying and unwarranted confidence in time management skills that I do not possess.

[Ali Eichler @AliEichler]

When I was a kid I always said I wanted to get married in my pajamas at the top of hill in winter and then everyone sleds down the reception and as I grew up I was like “oh that’s so silly” but now as an actual adult I think 10 year old me hit the nail on the head with that one