Ali Falkoff

If you got there on time, you shouldn't have been invited. People tell me I have a lot of chutzpah.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

I don't follow instructions, I follow my heart.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Never trust someone that wants to be a legacy rather than leave a legacy.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Every seat is first class when your 18"

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

I mean... the way he assaulted me was charming. It was like, just the tip of date rape. #justthetip

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Even beanie babies aren't the next beanie baby. Aka they hold no present or future value. Now furbies. Those are a thing of beauty!

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

They say succulents are like beta fish, but I find a way to kill them either way.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Ladybugs ain't just any regular bug. They're ladies. You gotta buy em dinner first.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Is it worth it? It's worth it if you wanna be a winner.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

AMBER ALERT: meet me near the food.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

If you don't have a strategy, you shouldn't have come to the classics. #BreedersCup2017

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Life hack: high five your buddy after a horse race. People may think you just won a lot of money. #pussymag

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Life hack: always offer to buy the 2nd round. Then drink your 1st round so fast that you're the only one ready for their 2nd.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Burning man or Halloween ?!

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

The Age of a New Addiction. Coming soon to bookstores near you. Memoir about a freak I used to know.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

If I'm in a conversation and the best thing about it is me, I keep movin'.

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

No one at corporate admitted to wackin it a time or 2 to redtube or youporn before deciding to name their premium channel YouTube red????

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

"Who ate my acai bowl!!????"

[Ali Falkoff @AliLikeMuhammad]

Twitter algebra: Less is more. Unless you're me. Then more > less.