ursula

Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to push them into a wood-chipper. I am one of them.

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

my husband and I whilst watching every world cup game...
Me: Did you see that, did YOU SEE THAT!?
Him: yeah babe I'm watching the same thing you are
#worldcup #WorldCupFever #germanywasrobbed

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

If you can't weave your way into your man's heart with food. Take him to countries that will do the job for you
#foodislife #travelling #travellingislife #icantcook

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

husband: ***whilst remote surfing*** Paw Pat-?? What's Paw Patrol?
me: hmm, it kinda sounds like a..pack of dogs....hunting humans..?

cue imitation woofs at various frequencies for 10 minutes
#pawpatrol #woofwoof #missonimpossiblesoundtrack #seewhathappenswhenyouinterruptmysleep

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

My husband takes everything I say literally. even when I asked him, why should I give an AI ‘creative expression’?
#ai #ihateai #claude #grok #noooooo #saynotoai

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

I wish my partner was dumber. Not by much, but, I just wanna win more fights
#domestics #winmore #stubborn #fighting

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

Stupidly literal and metaphorically convenient
#describeyourself #me

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

the devil remade my world whilst God napped. I guess anyone can fall asleep at the wheel
#tomwaits #sleeping #misfortune

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

A workplace, much like a family, is a collection of strangers who, if given a choice, would never choose to be together #worksux #ihatework

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

My number of successes are several botched murder investigations... #reno911

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

When @peacock recommended @oxygen's #HomicideForTheHolidays I'm thinking what so diff bout dis vs all other true crime shows? But I see now, the lesson is: don't live in small, rural communities.
I'm right...right? Cause that's all the vibes it's bringing
#murderdontvacay

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

A crime a day, keeps the cops paid
#truecrime #cops #ouchmyfinger

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

Top shelf 404 error page @Dictionarycom ! #404error lawl

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

My mother on Macau: 'I have been to Macau before and lost $5'

Who 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 loses $5 in Macau?
#macau #gambling #livealittle #gamblingisfun #bragmuch

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

I know the running theme about the #Bluth family is that they're unrelatable, so why am I relating to it!? #bingeArrestedDevelopment #arresteddevelopment #worstfamilyever #myfamily

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

I've been compared to a corpse before
#ihavenohealth #notproud #istheresomethingwrong

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

I could never, ever contemplate harming an animal.
But humans, well...not even a second thought
#peoplesuck #terriblebosses #EndUpOnDateline

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

I Used To Love Her.... #BuriedInTheBackyard

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

I wish I could bury my workplace in the backyard @oxygen #buriedinthebackyard #snapped #worksux

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

So I've received a very serious BOLO SMS alert...the cops are looking for a fuck. Has anyone seen Fuck? #copbootycall #BOLO #rl #truecrime

[ursula @AllMyCircuits_]

FIVE seasons and still going for #BuriedInTheBackyard...just how many people are burying people in backyards?!
#truecrime #whysostupid #mightaswellturnyourselfin #butcantstopwatching