Allan Sampson

Allan is a new long-playing 33 1/3 RPM high-fidelity recording in lifelike stereophonic sound.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@TheProjectUnity Lamestream answer, you mean. I know a hubcap off a '54 Chevy when I see one.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

For best results squeeze tube from bottom and flatten as you go up. For worst results bite top off and squeeze entire tube into your mouth.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@bstrat515 @PicturesFoIder Dentist finished up with a grinding wheel to get everything perfectly flat.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

I've been drinking tea recently. Did you know tea is a DIE HERETIC! It makes you pee.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@Beska Your goldfish-hucking neighbors suck. The Little Feeshes Appreciation Society thanks you for your kindness and quick thinking.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

Politics is like, righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

I can't take llamas seriously.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

Vampire: I'll tell you what the real curse is. It's that my dinner can talk and thinks it's smart enough to have an opinion.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@krassenstein Trump is glaring at Jesus with pure hate in his eyes because Jesus is a couple inches taller than he is.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@HumansNoContext Cenete

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@elonmusk Is this an ad for inexpensive passenger rail?

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@SlumRNA_Dog Hey, my snakes are up here!

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

Phase One of the Mattel Cinematic Universe will include 6 more Barbie movies over three years. Phase Two of the MCU will be 13 Barbie movies over five years with highly-anticipated Hot Wheels, Fisher Price, and Polly Pocket cross-overs. Phase Three is only partly planned out.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@Clariiigold @DailyLoud Likely dead bird that was unable to release its locked talons from a fish that still has a fishhook in it attached to a length of fishing line tangled up in a powerline overhead and out of the shot. Magicians float things with fishing line and it's effective even up close.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

If there's one thing I can't stand it's people asking me to narrow down the things I can't stand to one thing.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

In the future everyone will be a Trump criminal defense lawyer for 15 minutes.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@dbongino I'm sure all the Presidential historians will eventually agree with you. Eventually. Have you tried holding your breath?

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

@ABDanielleSmith Everybody knows that it was V-Day that marked the beginning of WWII. That was the day when Hitler said, "VEE HAFF TO GET ZISS ZING SCHTARTED!" I mean, you've obviously read Hitler, right?

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

I can Phil it Collins in the air tonight.
Oh lord.

[Allan Sampson @AllanX]

In Canada, most of our meat comes from animals that wandered too close to Canada geese.